I'm In Love With A Cougar

I'm watching TV a few nights ago and my jaw literally dropped when I saw this commercial. It really might be my favorite commercial of all time. Watch for yourself...



Ah, I really do love Cougars and have fallen victim to a few cougar attacks in my day...for every one's sake we'll refrain from the details of the incidents...especially the one that told me she was 29...bahahaha...she was pretty "weathered" for 29...oh, the infamous "pool table at F & M's incident"...those photos are PRICELESS!

This "Cougar" commercial actually reminded me of a post I wrote on a blog I had in college. So, for your entertainment...

Looking For A Car? (circa 2006)

I love cars. I absolutely love cars. If I don’t drive a car for more than a few days I get jittery. Everyone knows this. I have driven lots of different makes and models in my day. I am a big fan of the American and European models, but will never be seen driving an Asian car. Asian cars are just too small and all look the same even though they do give you a lot of bang for you buck. I guess that “20 thousand dolla, make you holla line” applies here. As a person who loves cars and is currently in the market for a new one I wanted to offer my friends some advice when on the car lot and kicking the tires.

When in the market for a car, I recommend always going for the demo model. You are essentially getting a brand new car complete with new car smell and a warranty to protect you in case it starts having problems. You also get the advantage of the engine already being broken in for peak performance and it’s also a little easier to get into the demo model than the brand new model, which will save you if decide to get rid of it. Additionally, the demo model will be a lot cleaner, in better shape and have less stains in the carpet than the used model.

And then there is the certified pre-owned vehicle, otherwise known as a CPO. These models have actually been purchased and used a bit, but must meet certain criteria. Despite their mileage they must meet the highest standards in regards to their condition, shape, cleanliness and reliability based on 100-point inspections. This insures that any issues that may arise from experience with previous drivers are mitigated and in case an issue does arise these vehicles are come with factory warranties to protect you.

I advise the demo model over the CPO, even given some apparent advantages of the CPO. The demo model may have been driven by a few people but was obviously very well taken care of which leads to more customer satisfaction upon purchase. The CPO, however, is still a pre-owned car, and not a demonstration model. The inherent problem in purchasing a pre-owned model is that even if it does meet the 100-point inspection there is still no way to precisely tell without a doubt how the car was treated in the past or if the car may just have some of its own problems that develop over time. These inherent traits of a used vehicle can cause it to have issues that could hound the driver and make you wish you had just put the extra effort for the demo model.

If you do decide to purchase a used car, that isn’t a CPO, be wary. One good thing to always look for is the condition of the tires. Kick them a bit and look at the treads. Are they worn down? Does it look like they have been changing the rubber frequently? Operating an automobile that currently has bad treads can cause one to hit a wet spot, spin off the highway and have an accident that could change your life forever, which is why you should purchase an extended warranty that will always bail you out, or at least get AAA so you’re not left stranded on the side of the road. Check maintenance logs if you can because a car that doesn’t have fresh rubber has not been well maintained. If the maintenance records show that the car was frequently driven on worn out rubber be wary as it could have had a few accidents in its day. The effects of these accidents may not be apparent immediately, but they were probably messy and issues could arise further down the road.

And always remember, there is nothing wrong with giving any car a one time test drive, just be careful when changing gears at high speeds, if you drop the clutch and miss a shift you could stall out, which is always embarrassing.

You may be wondering what I currently drive. I drive a Jeep Wrangler, purchased as a low mileage demo model, of course. With all the models out there how did I choose the Wrangler? Well, its little, fun and likes to be driven roughly. It’s definitely a car that likes to get dirty. They are known for being very top heavy and having a tendency to roll-over, but they are also most fun with the top off. Jeeps are an American classic because what guy doesn’t want to drive a car that likes it rough and is so much fun with its top off.

***Note: I was speaking of my second Wrangler. I traded in the '03 for an '04 demo...I wanted a newer model with bigger tires...Unfortunately, I am no longer a Jeep driver...I rolled the last one over one too many times, apparently...TERRIBLE...

Until next time let not your face be wiped...I'm heading out for a night of Cougar hunting...

Dallas & Driving Don't Mix

While doing my normal morning routine of reading useless crap on the internet a few days ago I noticed a disturbing trend on one of my favorite car sites, Jalopnik. I don't know what was in the air in Dallas last week but they had some amusing incidents involving cars. I guess it should come as no surprise that the home of the $30,000 millionaire would have stuff like this happen, but damn.

First I saw this gem and could do nothing else but attempt to picture the driver of the vehicle. The mental image was highly entertaining.

Apparently, the driver didn't realize the construction crew just finished pouring cement on the road," Bristol said, adding that the car drove into a work area clearly marked by signs and cones. The driver had to be helped out of the car because the vehicle was completely surrounded by wet pavement.

Just enough credit to drive a late model Benz, not enough intelligence to realize you can't drive it through wet cement. Very $30,000 Millionaire of you.

I should have been amused enough by the above story to close out Internet Explorer and go on with my day. Unfortunately it was still way too early in the AM to be productive so I continued reading. It was worth it...There isn't too much you can say about an article with this headline.

Drunk Driver Parks Ferrari on Tracks, Calls 911, Watches it Explode

Click below to hear the 911 call. Be prepared to be disturbed/infuriated.

Until next time, let not your face be wiped...unless, of course, you park your Mercedes in wet cement or your Ferrari on railroad tracks, in which case you are probably already wiping your face.

504 Whips: Rolling for Cereal Edition

A few weeks back I wrote about the "sticker car" trend that has been growing in popularity in New Orleans and posted some pictures of these 504 Whips with candy motifs. While I don't personally have such a passion for any particular kind of candy enough to have my car painted to reflect it, I do understand that some people think that candy is one hell of a snack and want to share this with others...at least its more entertaining than a drab car with a white powder coat paint job right? I get it...some people really love the candy.

I, however, am completely perplexed by another one of the popular themes popping up on these custom "sticker cars." I remember the first time I saw the Frosted Flakes car on Canal Street. All I could think to myself was how much I wanted to go up to the driver and say "Damn, man, you must really like Frosted Flakes." Then I realized that I was stealing a Dane Cook line and refrained from saying anything...although I'm sure Dane Cook borrowed the line from someone else. Anyway...I can't explain exactly how any cereal can be special enough to make your car into a cereal box on rims but it provides me with some amusing eye candy when I'm cruising the streets of New Orleans. So, without further adieu...the second installment of 504 Whips...The Cereal Killers...err I guess Cereal Lovers? Eh, whatever lets examine how some are Rolling for Cereal...grab yourself a bowl and enjoy...add some sugar if you'd like but its counterproductive if you ask me...

Who all seen the Leprechaun say YEAH.

I think he knows where the gold at. Apparently its in the 9th Ward.

Frosty: The taste adults have grown to love.

Note the Wendy's in the background. If you're from New Orleans you recognize this location.

Raisin Bran: Two Scoops One Bowl?

Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!

While I like Corn Flakes, some would say this one is rather "vanilla."

If only Fred could see how far we've come since the original Flintstones car. Ah, progress...

504 Whips: Candy Cars Edition

Even if you think that "...inside peanut butter, outside jelly" is a sandwich reference you've surely seen the Chevy with the butterfly doors or a Cadillac on 22's. These two forms of car customization have become so ubiquitous that every ones seen them at least once, even those people who think "...inside fish sticks, outside tarter sauce..." is something from Long John Silvers. While these trends have been seen across the United States, they are most common in the southeast where they are known as "donks" or "whips."

In New Orleans, however, we are known for taking things to a whole other level. Having Lambo doors and rims so big it makes the car look like its two stories isn't enough in the 504. In the past few years *cough* Katrina *cough* a new trend has emerged in the Crescent City...sticker cars. These cars are modified just like any other tight "whip," but go a step further by being wrapped in custom decals that usually promote a certain product. They kind of look like someone took a NASCAR and said "...throw some D's on that bitch." Commonly seen decal motifs on these rides include candy (ironic), soft drinks cold dranks, cereal, chocolate bars (the snack, not da club) and even alcohol. These "sticker cars" are the latest step in the evolution of pimpin' one's ride.

Next time you're in New Orleans its very possible that you might pull up next to a "sticker car" that can be described as candy on candy. The driver will most likely be grippin' the grain with that seat down low. They probably think they're the only fire that can live in the rain as they roll past you in their ride that's so so New Orleans...like 1825 Tulane...

Courtesy of my peeps at 504 Whips, I bring you some rides that can literally be described as New Orleans' sweetest candy cars...

I see this one traveling the streets of N.O. fairly often. Definately not a lemon.

Skittles: Taste the rainbow, no homo.

Note the front bumper. Was Calvin in Revenge of the Nerds? Because he's goin' R. Kelly on something.

Got candy? Quit fruntin'...I got nothin' else...sorry...moving on...

I wonder if this car's owner is named Mike or Ike. That would be sweet, dude, sweet.

One of the few I haven't seen yet. It reminds me of the corny grandpa/grandchild combo in their old TV commercials though.

Only an airhead would park in a no parking zone, you say? That's just how he rolls...err parks.

Until next time, New Orleans, everybody get your roll on...I've always wanted to say that...

Thoughts on a Hummer: Do I have a Dirty Mind?

Recently while surfing the net I came across a review of the Hummer H2 published by Siliconeer, a general interest magazine targeting the Asian demographic. Maybe I have a dirty mind but somehow the lead-in picture for this automobile review just seems raunchy.

"As a Mom, I am supposed to be focusing on sedans and minivans, right? Okay, that was the argument I tossed around when I was unwilling to admit the vehicle’s size and width intimidated me somewhat. Well, enough is enough. This Mom has finally decided to take this 81-inch-wide vehicle on." - excerpt from the review

Once I got over being amused by this reviews juvenile sexual puns, I began to think about the decline of the SUV and its affects on the American auto industry. In the 90's the SUV was synonymous with the yuppie culture. For over a decade it was almost as American as mom (hopefully not the one that reviewed that Hummer, though) and Apple Pie. They were everywhere...at the supermarket, soccer practice, cul-de-sacs...rarely off-road though...In recent years, however, SUV sales have been going down faster than a Thai hooker at the Bangkok Spa...yeah, I said it.

Due to rising gas prices and an increasingly environmentally conscious public it has become rather politically incorrect to be seen in one of these beasts of an automobile. Detroit was behind the curve and waited a bit too long to jump off the SUV bandwagon and this lack of vision has only added to the Big Three's financial difficulties. But was it too soon to abandon these decadently large vehicles? I ask this because I think that the Big Three could have pursued a different route in addressing the declining sales of large SUV's.

With GM bringing back the Camaro and Chrysler bringing back the Charger and Challenger it appears that they are targeting a demographic yearning to relive their "glory days" when such nameplates were the king of the road. They are targeting people who are nostalgic for their past...

There is nothing worse than misguided nostalgia.

...but as we all know sometimes we do silly things in our youth and it's fair to say that romanticizing the Camaro and such cars counts as misguided nostalgia. Some things should just be left in the past. There is no need for the reincarnation of these cars and its best for everyone that they remain a piece of America's past and that we let those who just won't let go reflect on them in their little communities (read: trailer parks).

If Ford, GM and Chrysler want to use nostalgia as a means of moving their vehicles maybe they should use practical nostalgia as opposed to misguided romanticism. Let us think about what the Big Three are doing by bringing back "muscle cars" like the Challenger. They are offering to the America consumer heavy cars with relatively large bodies to haul around four people (two people in comfort) while sucking down gas quicker than that aforementioned Thai hooker. If the Big Three wants to sell large cars that guzzle gas wouldn't it be more practical for these vehicles to at least be practical (read: offer utility)?

While these auto makers feel marketing heavy, fuel inefficient cars based on nostalgic value is the way to go then perhaps they should think about utility in these trying times. While the SUV's were not economical, they at least did offer utility and practicality while burning copious amounts of fuel. Perhaps the SUV wasn't the problem and the Big Three jumped off the bandwagon too soon.

With a sinking economy and the American public reflecting kindly on the roaring economy of the 90's, maybe now is the time to bring back large SUV's and sell them on their practical applications. I mean, if you're going to drive a big heavy car that burns holes in the ozone layer as it only gets 12 miles per gallon, then why not have a practical vehicle that seats 7 as opposed to having to shoehorn the kids in the backseat of your Camaro. Not to mention driving with a few of them on your lap as most Camaro owners are known to do. The Big Three should remarket their large SUV's and sell them based upon their practicality and use the nostalgic value of the 90's as a driving force behind the campaign.

Maybe an I Love the 90's type of campaign (we are far enough removed that its not that ludicrous) would help place nostalgic memories in the minds of buyers. Heck, even get a celebrity spokesperson for these ads...a celebrity that the public associates with this time and place and the positive economic climate of the time. Jeez, who could they get that people associate with the "good times" of the 90's that would provide just the right nostalgia to evoke fond memories of the SUV's hey-day?

What better spokesperson for joys of the Hummer? We all know Bill likes 'em big (ex. Monica Lewinsky). And imagine if GM introduced a hybrid version of the Hummer. Clinton could tout the pleasure of keeping up with the Joneses while also showing love for Flowers. Now, that is the kind of nostalgia the Big Three should be trying to evoke.

Oh, and for those of you who think I have a dirty mind...

I love lamp.

Jokes on you, suckas!

Michigan: We Have the Upper Hand

Has anyone reading this ever met anyone from Michigan? Raise your hands? Ok, to the guy in the back with the mitten...not funny. We get it already. I have never understood why people from Michigan feel the need to show you where their hometown is by using one of their own hands to represent their state. The first person I ever met from Michigan showed me where she was from by pointing her index finger at the palm of her hand to indicate she was from Lancing. I was slightly weirded out and decided to give her the boot from the jump (I'm from Louisiana...get it?). I see the connection, but it just seems so unnecessary and hokey. Not to mention that it looks RIDICULOUS. What is that about? Who does that? If I were from South Florida I wouldn't whip out my wang and show you my mushroom tip when I was asked where I was from. Actually, I probably would, not gonna lie...

...but I digress...

In light of all of the news stories about the downfall of Detroit's automotive industry, the state has taken a cue from their fine residents and launched a media campaign encourage economic development within the state's boundaries. Taking matters into their own hands, if you will. The Michigan Economic Development Corporation has launched a series of nationally televised commercials touting the state's economic potential and advantages. And, yes, it is called Michigan: We Have the Upper Hand.

"Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the Upper Hand."

I would like to applaud (yes, pun intended) the state's EDC for their cleverness and for using their state's resources to deal with the hand they were dealt and not handling things like two of the state's biggest employers, Cry-sler and GM...

The leaders of these two once-great companies seem to be relying on government handouts to apply band-aids to their wounds instead of putting their fingers on the real problems facing them. One of these problems is the UAW. For some reason the United Auto Workers are stubborn and won't make the necessary concessions to cut back labor costs for these companies. I guess they'd rather all be out of work than take a slight cut in pay/benefits and keep their jobs. Someone needs to lend these people a helping hand and attempt to make them see the bigger picture. Otherwise, those hands they used to show us that they were from Dearborn will soon be good for only one thing.........wiping their faces.

CRIBS: Presidential Edition

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, I am not doing this just to make the obvious joke based on racial stereotypes. Although, before taking office, President Obama did drive a Chrysler 300 with a Hemi no less. Pause.

File photo. Obama has swag and knows that Lambo doors are played out, bruh.

Barack Obama is not the first President to have swag, though. What many of you may not know is that President Bush had a some swag of his own (43, not 41, obvi.). Why do you think people called him G-Dub? In fact, when he was elected in 2000 he had some rather specific requests for his Presidential Limo. Let's just say he wanted to wanted to "pimp his ride."

What are you doin' today, George? Muddin', honey.

President George W. Bush's request for a Cowboy Cadillac was denied, however, for obvious reasons. I mean, the kind of fuel economy of a truck like that could have possibly pushed Al Gore over the edge. DUBya's vehicle preferences, much like his politics, differ from those of Obama in many ways. Apparently, upon election Obama wanted to add some of his own personal touches to his Presidential Limo.

Rims big make the car look like it's two stories. No Hemi. Pause.

The lifestyle differences between Bush and Obama extend beyond just their differing views of how the Presidential Limo should be customized. Both men even went as far as to propose changes to the iconic Air Force One. You be the judge of whose next-gen Air Force One concept is more ridiculous.

Advisors felt the Don't Mess With Texas "branding" may ellicit a pre-emptive strike. Wait, what?

While the Boss Hog style horns on the front seem rather outlandish, at least Bush's concept only required aesthetic changes to the existing plane. Barack Obama's dream Air Force One would have required a whole change in the way Presidential travel is conducted.

Do what ya do but watch my shoes so I can get to stompin' in my Air Force Ones.

Obviously, Obama's idea of wearing Air Force One's instead of flying in Air Force one was rejected for many reasons. One of them being the potential for many bad Harlem Globetrotters jokes. I am left to wonder if Obama does actually have a pair of these pimped out Nike's. I mean, President George W. Bush did have a pair of handmade in Texas Lucchese alligator cowboy boots with the Presidential Seal on them. Maybe its not such a far-fetched idea after all.

Apparently someone has figured out how to reach across party lines and bridge the divide between Bush and Obama.

Cadillac on 42's...change Bush and Obama can both believe in.

Moral of the story: Even though on the surface the differences between Bush and Obama seem as clear as black and white, both clearly have a swagger like us.

*CRIBS: PE didn't even bother asking about President Obama's proposed change to the White House...obviously this change was vetoed...how do you think he got to keep his Blackberry?...In the words of grey ghost John McCain "...that, my friends, is political bargaining."