Stereotypes of Texas Universities

There used to be a great website that published satirical summaries of the stereotypes associated with all the universities in Texas. Some of the descriptions provided were hilarious yet slightly exaggerated but as we all know there is usually at least a grain of truth to a stereotype. Someone should really make one of these based on Louisiana's universities (there is some great material).

I decided to offer you an abridged version of the now defunct web site's take on who attends certain schools in Texas. I added some pictures to the text to add to the satire and edited out a lot of the colleges because, well, who cares about Sul Ross State? If you must view the whole list there is now a facebook group dedicated to these college stereotypes. Below are the highlights.

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

The Longhorns most famous cheerleader: Matthew McConaughey.

I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I also really hate Chris Simms. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious.
I am a Longhorn.

TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY

Texas A & M: World renowned for providing an 'intimate' classroom setting.

I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's ass. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone can in my battalion. I beat up faggots, fish, and hunt for fun. If I'm not yelling, drinking with my battalion, or beating up faggots for fun, I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to t.u. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas in college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT t.u. if I want.
I am an Aggie.

BAYLOR UNIVERSITY

Sic 'em Bears: Finally hoping for some penetration in the red zone after all those years.

I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolest thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can coordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have a radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model.
I am a Bear.

I worked my butt off in high school to get in here and am fully paying for my expensive education with scholarships, or else my Mommy and Daddy went here and they're paying for it all and I only got in because they both made some calls. We're the oldest institution of higher learning in the state, yet we've always sucked at football. Its ok, we're just paying our way to be in the Big 12. The only teams that win anything are the baseball team and women's lacrosse but even that’s a little too dyke-ish for the rest of the Baptist General Convention. We tell our parents we go to church on Sunday mornings, but really we all get up, get dressed and go to IHOP. Our veins are pumped of Dr. Pepper and we're always wearing a school shirt that some frat or club or dance or 11 o'clock MWF class made. And mandatory Chapel? What is this, communism? It's ok though I guess; I only came here to find a spouse; however it's harder than I thought with the visitation hours being 1 pm to 6 pm every day, so I just date one hall at a time. I go to Baylor, where a '95 silver Accord is actually considered the nicest car driven by a faculty member and the ghetto-est car driven by a student. I am a Bear.

TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY

Bobby Knight: You'd go crazy, too, if you had to spend that much time in Lubbock.

I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live - so I trek to the strip, which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I don't go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything. Not even class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's ass points to College Station. I fry cow balls. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high. And what the hell is that smell?
I am a Red Raider.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY

Can this shirt be ordered in burnt orange?

I am in a fraternity or sorority of course. I drive a big-ass Tahoe (if I'm a guy), a BMW (if I'm less of a guy), or a Land Rover (if I'm a girl). If I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I used to wear my diamonds and heels for football games, but things have changed. Now it's a purple tube top with my Louis Vuitton handbag. School spirit! Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub during the week or Snookies on Sundays. We are having a J. Crew built in the bookstore next year and our send-home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is 4 to 1; where the girls are girls, and so are the guys.
I'm a Frog.

SOUTHERN METHODIST UNIVERSITY

SMU Mustangs: Pony up!

See the listing for Texas Christian University above...change 'Hulen' to 'Mockingbird'.
I'm a Mustang.

We are Baylor times TCU to the third power. I have more money than you could ever dream about. Abercrombie and Fitch? I don't think so, my line is strictly custom made from Gucci. The Galleria? I think I own it, or most of it at least. My idea of a good time is traveling down Mockingbird in my 2003 BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Range Rover, or whichever of my cars I decide to drive; either I'm on my way to my $700k condo, or to my fraternity or sorority house that has dues higher than your college's tuition. Our football team? Oh it's okay they suck, they are all real cute, and their daddies own Fortune 500 companies. A&M and UT? My family would have died if I had ever considered one of those to educate me. Don't worry, just because Baylor has more net worth than SMU doesn't mean my mom and dad don't have more net worth than Baylor. Where the girls are Barbies and the boys are Kens, there's only room for Greeks and the gorgeous. Have great fear for I am a Mustang.

SOUTHWEST TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY

I tried to get into a real school, but couldn't. I spend most weekends tubing down the river in New Braunfels drunk and/or high and naked, or getting drunk and acting like an idiot in Luckenbach.
I'm a Bobcat.

a few updates...
We are now called Texas State University because we want to pretend we are a big school like UT or A&M by taking out the "southwest" part. Oh yeah, San Marcos sucks unless you are a cheerleader, apparently they are national champions, so you have to party in Austin or San Antonio. We USED to be the #1 party school in the nation, or at least that's what people in Texas think. Who's heard of SWT anywhere but Texas? Why would the Princeton Review even care? We are still the Bobcats, but our mascot is a "Supercat." Whatever.

oh by the way, our Renegade Rugby team will DESTROY yours

TRINITY UNIVERSITY

I live in a town so Mexican that we cancel classes at 3:00 pm every day to take a siesta. My parents have money. I'm in a fraternity or sorority. Dorks are allowed. I was really smart in high school. I was kind of weird too. Our mascot is the Tiger because everything else in Texas was taken. I watch football games from my dorm balcony. Far West is the place to be. I don't steal because I own everything. I have had my SUV here at school since my freshman year. I have a papasan chair in my room. My tuition is so high that both grandfathers had to go fight for more GI Bills to pay for it. I probably have a scholarship too. I'm not originally from Texas. Who is the governor of Texas right now? I will probably move to the mid-west after graduation. Longhorns are slackers. What's an Aggie? Sea World? We have a Sea World?? I went to Six Flags Fiesta my senior year when I visited the school. Haven't been back since. I've tried drugs but never got hooked. Homosexuality is way okay. I used to be Presbyterian, until the school dropped the covenant, now I don't really go to church. War is not cool, but I guess it doesn't matter, as long as I don't have to go to boot camp.
I'm a Tiger.

ST. MARY'S UNIVERSITY

I go to a university smaller than your high school. Despite what you may have heard about Catholics, we are freaks. I have never met so many pot heads in my life. We wake up high, we go to class high, and we go to sleep high. If we aren't high we are drunk or rolling. I drink more beer than water. My saving grace is the toilet. I blackout for extended periods of time several nights a week. My friends tell me the next day about the striptease I did at the party the night before that I can't remember. I think of cigarettes, coffee, Cheetos and ramen noodles as being the new food groups. We are spoiled brats. Our mascot is the Rattler but we don't really care because we don't even have a football team. Oh yeah, and our school is in San Antonio. I bet you didn't know that.
I am a Rattler.

BLINN COLLEGE

I live in a town that glorifies Aggies and all I want in life is to be one myself. Instead, I am a Buccaneer at Blinn that claims to be an Aggie at heart. I party at A&M, my friends that I followed to College Station go to A&M, and I attend all the A&M games, but my lack of intelligence and motivation has hindered me in officially joining the cult of A&M. Even though the town we live in is uber-conservative, we all know that everyone here is a closet freak. I have a Confederate Flag on the back of my pickup truck along with a gun rack so as to make sure that I am not labeled "queer." Too bad I will probably just transfer to a community college in my hometown after I have finished the first two years here at Blinn.
I am an Aggie, er, Buccaneer.

RICE UNIVERSITY

In 2005 Rice Football held the record for the third longest losing streak in the history of college ball. The streak was broken when they played my alma mater, Tulane. Can we play the Katrina card on that?

I live in the fourth biggest city in the country, yet I can go weeks without leaving campus. Even when I do leave, it takes 30 minutes to go get gas, and an hour to move a mile on the 45 or the 59. I was either a dork in high school and am still a dork, or I was a dork in high school and now i pretend to be cool. If asked where I'm from, I respond with my college and not my hometown. To relieve stress I run around campus naked twice a month. If I go to the library at midnight, there's a good chance I might not be able to find a free computer, in which case I can always just go to the pub. The pub is heaven on earth. I worship the baseball team, play drinking games in class, and firmly believe that Martel is not a college. I was a pre-med until orgo made me its two semester bitch, now i'm an academ. Beer bike is the biggest event of the year, yet 90% of people pass out before the races even begin. I think it's cool to cuss at the top of my lungs and call it a cheer. Even drunk or stoned, I'm still smarter than you.
I am an Owl.

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AT SAN ANTONIO

TEX(T)-MEX? No bueno.

I live in a town with Mexicans and Hispanics...and Mexicans. I go to school here because I was either too stupid or too poor to attend a real college. We have parking lots that rival the acerage of Rhode Island, and our designers have yet to discover the amazing structural technology called a parking garage. Our scenery is nonexistent, except for the downtown campus, which has a lovely view of the jail and a police substation. Everyone commutes, and honestly, The University of Phoenix Online has more social interaction among the students than we do.
I am a Roadrunner.

Until next time let not your face be wiped...

Dallas & Driving Don't Mix

While doing my normal morning routine of reading useless crap on the internet a few days ago I noticed a disturbing trend on one of my favorite car sites, Jalopnik. I don't know what was in the air in Dallas last week but they had some amusing incidents involving cars. I guess it should come as no surprise that the home of the $30,000 millionaire would have stuff like this happen, but damn.

First I saw this gem and could do nothing else but attempt to picture the driver of the vehicle. The mental image was highly entertaining.

Apparently, the driver didn't realize the construction crew just finished pouring cement on the road," Bristol said, adding that the car drove into a work area clearly marked by signs and cones. The driver had to be helped out of the car because the vehicle was completely surrounded by wet pavement.

Just enough credit to drive a late model Benz, not enough intelligence to realize you can't drive it through wet cement. Very $30,000 Millionaire of you.

I should have been amused enough by the above story to close out Internet Explorer and go on with my day. Unfortunately it was still way too early in the AM to be productive so I continued reading. It was worth it...There isn't too much you can say about an article with this headline.

Drunk Driver Parks Ferrari on Tracks, Calls 911, Watches it Explode

Click below to hear the 911 call. Be prepared to be disturbed/infuriated.

Until next time, let not your face be wiped...unless, of course, you park your Mercedes in wet cement or your Ferrari on railroad tracks, in which case you are probably already wiping your face.

Texas: It’s Like a Whole Other Country

A few weeks ago I wrote a bit about how Chuck Norris (aka Walker, Texas Ranger) is growing frustrated with the growing size of the United States government and feels that the U.S. is on the wrong path. Chuck, taking Texas' tourism slogan a little too literally, even went as far as to claim that if Texas were to secede he would run for President of Texas. While some may dismiss Chuck Norris' words as crazy talk, I wouldn't advise doing so as the resulting roundhouse kick to the face could leave you wiping said face for a while.

I was left pondering some questions stemming from Chuck Norris' intent to run for President of Texas. Some of the questions were fairly obvious. For instance, would the Dallas Cowboys still be America's Team? Although they haven't really held that title in over a decade anyway so I guess the point is moot. Also, what would happen with Houston? I mean its not really Texas, anyway, never was. I guess they'd just partition it off, further solidifying its role as the New Jersey of the South. Lastly, since Lone Star Beer is the "National Beer of Texas" does that mean that they can finally start brewing the stuff in San Antonio again? Also if Texas were to actually be its own country would those of us who live in southern Louisiana and the Gulf Coast need to have passports to evacuate during hurricane season?

While some of the questions that ran through my head were rather silly, some were also serious. As a former student of political science I couldn't help but think that Chuck Norris should conduct a public opinion poll to see how people in Texas felt about being their own country.

Apparently Texans think that the rest of the people in the U.S. are Canadians, eh?

Chuck Norris doesn't need to conduct public opinion polls as he can merely think of any given population and synthesize a random sample with a margin of error of 0%. Using these scientific polling techniques it becomes clear that Texans already view themselves as another country. But, then I thought to myself, if Texas were to become its own country, would Chuck Norris be the right man from the job? I know I'm crazy for questioning the ability of Chuck Norris but it is a fair question even in a Chucktatorship. So I decided that we should see where Chuck Norris stands on several hot button issues that he would be facing if he were to ever become the President of Texas.

On Climate Change

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

On Fixing the Recession of '09

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

On Evolution

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.

On Foreign Policy

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

On Streamlining the IRS Tax Code

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Ask not what you can do for Chuck Norris. Ask what Chuck Norris can do for you.

On "Enemy Combatants"

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

On Stem Cell Research

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

On Reducing America's Dependency on Foreign Oil

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

On Gun Control

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

On the Constitution

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

On Cutting Bureaucratic Red Tape

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

On Stopping Blood Diamond Proliferation

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

On Military Spending

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

On Sweeping New Financial Ethics Reforms

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

On the Media

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

On the Separation of Chuck and State

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

On the Drug War

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

On Helping the Blind

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

On Wildfires

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

On Extra Terrestrial Life

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

On Parking Violations

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

On the Kennedy Assassination

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

...and lets not forget that while Chuck Norris has many skills, the most well known being his roundhouse kick to the face, he has one oft overlooked talent...

...that's right...Chuck Norris has Nun Chuck skills...

Until next time, let not your face be wiped.

Walker: Texas President?

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

It seems like an uncanny coincidence that not only is Chuck Norris celebrating his 69th birthday today but it's also International Day of Awesomeness. Actually, I am clearly forgetting Chuck Norris Fact #310

• If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

I would like to take this opportunity send Chuck Norris my regards, although he'll probably just roundhouse kick them back to me. Hope you enjoy your 69th (hopefully with Christie Brinkley) and International Awesomeness Day.

And apparently I am forgetting another important Chuck Norris fact that many of us may not have heard yet.

• Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Although Chuck Norris initially endorsed Republican candidate Mike Huckabee during his run for the GOP's nomination, he apparently saw the mandate that President-elect Barack Obama received from the electorate and allowed him to become the 44th President of the United States. Only fifty days into Obama's administration it seems as if Chuck Norris has seen enough of and lets his views be known in his column entitled I may run for President of Texas on the conservative website World Net Daily. You just can't make up stuff this entertaining. President of Texas? Oh, lawd...here we go...

Is he crazy for being Chuck or is Chuck just crazy? He's been around and still around like them Geico cavemen.

"I may run for president of Texas. That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state. From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders' vision and government."

In addition to the ideological argument that America is slipping away from its core values, Chuck Norris probably was not amused by this picture that surfaced on the internet...

Wait a minute, you're not Trivette.

But seriously, in the article Chuck highlights how he sees the United States going astray with reckless spending and big government ideas and claims that the conditions are ripe for change. He channels the views of some fringe groups in the Lone Star State that claim that Texas can secede due to a highly debated clause placed in the state's constitution when the once sovereign nation was annexed by the U.S.

"I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it."

"They lost [the Battle of the Alamo], but would provide the inspiration to win the war. Their fighting spirit rallied the new-found republic, and still does to this day. So when you think all is lost in America, remember the Alamo!"

Chuck Norris doesn't remember the Alamo. The Alamo remembers Chuck Norris.

So, Chuck Norris' solution to the growing size of the United States government and its increasing role in the daily lives of Americans is for Texas to secede? And for Chuck Norris to run for the Presidency of the New Republic of Texas? While I don't doubt Chuck Norris' ability to do anything I do feel it necessary for us to examine the logistics and likelihood of these occurrences in the coming days. For right now, though, I'd like to remind everyone of a rumor I heard once...during Chuck Norris' senior year of high school he was voted Most Likely to Secede.