Friday, February 27, 2009

I've Got This Great Idea For A Blanket With, Like, Sleeves, Dude...It's Gonna Be Huge, Bro

If you haven't seen the ads for the Snuggie then I suspect you're a hermit whose been living under a rock for the past six months....actually, no, I suspect you've been stuck on your couch protecting yourself from the cold wintry mix and unable to turn on your TV or answer the phone because of the confines of that obsolete blanket you've been huddled under. Ok, probably not. Everyone has seen the commercials for this blanket with sleeves, even those starving kids in India saw the ads while watching the Academy awards last week. For this, the people of Mumbai give many many thank you (and a goat) to the cast of Slumdog Millionaire.

Mumbai residents love their village's lone Tivo. How else would they have found out that us dumb Americans have a religious like obsession with wrapping ourselves in silly sheets with sleeves...wait...damn...

Ever since I first saw the commercial for the Snuggie I thought it had to be created by some stoned (consenting drug use, not religious persecution) college kid. He was probably too lazy/high to get up for another Dr. Pepper or just didn't want to feel a chill in order to feel more chill. Pause.

Then this morning's New York Times blew my mind. In a sad sign of the times and their journalist integrity the NYT ran a piece on how the Snuggie's advertising campaign led to their success over their competition. I read the story online so at this time I am unsure if it was a cover story or not. Pause.

The story discusses the less successful precursors to the industry leading Snuggie. Sadly, blankets with sleeves are apparently an industry in America and even sadder the inventors of the Slanket and the Freedom Blanket want to be recognized for being leaders in the field...insert joke here.

It turns out that everyone's suspicions about the Snuggie being invented by a pothead college student may not have been to far off. According to the NYT story, Gary Clegg, the inventor of the Slanket was a college student who, in the late 1990's, asked his mom to sew a sleeve onto his sleeping bag since the "...remote wouldn't work through the fabric." You can't make up this kind of stuff, seriously.

Actual photo from the Slanket website. Pass this around, dude.

Initially, the design only contained one sleeve (I wonder how his roommate felt about that), but the young college student later "...added a second sleeve." Apparently this young college student found out that a Snuggie with only one sleeve could only be useful for so long as he soon discovered his problem with premature invention.

The NYT portrayal of Mr. Clegg, now a 29 year old with a "...laid-back, surfer-dude attitude," further confirms our suspicions. He is also described as a professional snowboarder (an oxymoron) who grows a scruffy beard between television appearances. While being generally laid-back, Clegg does seem to be rather bitter about the success of the Snuggie and even, get this, claims it “undermines the integrity” of his Slanket. What's he smokin'? Oh, yeah...

The NYT offers less details on the Freedom Blanket and its origins other than the fact that it actually even predated the Slanket. I suspect this lack information on the true innovator in this niche market is because of a vicious rumor that was spread about its namesake. From what i hear, the Freedom Blanket was initially to be called the French Blanket because of its more intimate feel than a regular blanket. The owner ultimately chose against the name due to his political leanings and named it the Freedom Blanket instead. Apparently, due to their political leanings, the NYT chose not to cover the Freedom Blanket. Sounds like a vast left-wing (or sleeve) conspiracy to me. But, that's just what my sources tell me.

This NYT article on the Snuggie's clever advertising being the catalyst for its success over its previous blankets with sleeves left me with four thoughts running through my head:

  • What is sadder than the fact that four million people have bought Snuggies is that other people are now claiming that they had this "brilliant" idea and are fighting for recognition
  • Next time your pothead friend says he has "a great idea" don't discredit their idea as a silly stoned thought
  • My theory about video games being invented by some stoned college kid wanting to control the little people in the TV may not be far from the truth
  • the NYT is a joke

Just think of the hassle and energy you could have saved this morning while reading the NYT if you had a Snuggie (or a Slanket or Freedom Blanket for you indie-kids). While you may feel like a tool for having a Snuggie you'd at least feel better knowing that you wasted less effort to read this useless article/blog.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Michigan: We Have the Upper Hand

Has anyone reading this ever met anyone from Michigan? Raise your hands? Ok, to the guy in the back with the mitten...not funny. We get it already. I have never understood why people from Michigan feel the need to show you where their hometown is by using one of their own hands to represent their state. The first person I ever met from Michigan showed me where she was from by pointing her index finger at the palm of her hand to indicate she was from Lancing. I was slightly weirded out and decided to give her the boot from the jump (I'm from Louisiana...get it?). I see the connection, but it just seems so unnecessary and hokey. Not to mention that it looks RIDICULOUS. What is that about? Who does that? If I were from South Florida I wouldn't whip out my wang and show you my mushroom tip when I was asked where I was from. Actually, I probably would, not gonna lie...

...but I digress...

In light of all of the news stories about the downfall of Detroit's automotive industry, the state has taken a cue from their fine residents and launched a media campaign encourage economic development within the state's boundaries. Taking matters into their own hands, if you will. The Michigan Economic Development Corporation has launched a series of nationally televised commercials touting the state's economic potential and advantages. And, yes, it is called Michigan: We Have the Upper Hand.

"Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the Upper Hand."

I would like to applaud (yes, pun intended) the state's EDC for their cleverness and for using their state's resources to deal with the hand they were dealt and not handling things like two of the state's biggest employers, Cry-sler and GM...

The leaders of these two once-great companies seem to be relying on government handouts to apply band-aids to their wounds instead of putting their fingers on the real problems facing them. One of these problems is the UAW. For some reason the United Auto Workers are stubborn and won't make the necessary concessions to cut back labor costs for these companies. I guess they'd rather all be out of work than take a slight cut in pay/benefits and keep their jobs. Someone needs to lend these people a helping hand and attempt to make them see the bigger picture. Otherwise, those hands they used to show us that they were from Dearborn will soon be good for only one thing.........wiping their faces.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

CRIBS: Presidential Edition

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, I am not doing this just to make the obvious joke based on racial stereotypes. Although, before taking office, President Obama did drive a Chrysler 300 with a Hemi no less. Pause.

File photo. Obama has swag and knows that Lambo doors are played out, bruh.

Barack Obama is not the first President to have swag, though. What many of you may not know is that President Bush had a some swag of his own (43, not 41, obvi.). Why do you think people called him G-Dub? In fact, when he was elected in 2000 he had some rather specific requests for his Presidential Limo. Let's just say he wanted to wanted to "pimp his ride."

What are you doin' today, George? Muddin', honey.

President George W. Bush's request for a Cowboy Cadillac was denied, however, for obvious reasons. I mean, the kind of fuel economy of a truck like that could have possibly pushed Al Gore over the edge. DUBya's vehicle preferences, much like his politics, differ from those of Obama in many ways. Apparently, upon election Obama wanted to add some of his own personal touches to his Presidential Limo.

Rims big make the car look like it's two stories. No Hemi. Pause.

The lifestyle differences between Bush and Obama extend beyond just their differing views of how the Presidential Limo should be customized. Both men even went as far as to propose changes to the iconic Air Force One. You be the judge of whose next-gen Air Force One concept is more ridiculous.

Advisors felt the Don't Mess With Texas "branding" may ellicit a pre-emptive strike. Wait, what?

While the Boss Hog style horns on the front seem rather outlandish, at least Bush's concept only required aesthetic changes to the existing plane. Barack Obama's dream Air Force One would have required a whole change in the way Presidential travel is conducted.

Do what ya do but watch my shoes so I can get to stompin' in my Air Force Ones.

Obviously, Obama's idea of wearing Air Force One's instead of flying in Air Force one was rejected for many reasons. One of them being the potential for many bad Harlem Globetrotters jokes. I am left to wonder if Obama does actually have a pair of these pimped out Nike's. I mean, President George W. Bush did have a pair of handmade in Texas Lucchese alligator cowboy boots with the Presidential Seal on them. Maybe its not such a far-fetched idea after all.

Apparently someone has figured out how to reach across party lines and bridge the divide between Bush and Obama.

Cadillac on 42's...change Bush and Obama can both believe in.

Moral of the story: Even though on the surface the differences between Bush and Obama seem as clear as black and white, both clearly have a swagger like us.

*CRIBS: PE didn't even bother asking about President Obama's proposed change to the White House...obviously this change was do you think he got to keep his Blackberry?...In the words of grey ghost John McCain "...that, my friends, is political bargaining."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Two Cents

After a few amusing encounters today I had two simple thoughts running through my head.

Have you ever noticed that common sense isn't really all that common?

and den...

My time is money and if it doesn't make sense then it sure don't make dollars so let me get me.

One last thought: I can't help but wonder if we'll even be able to work for peanuts anymore with the way the economy is sinking and all of these peanut plants being closed down due to salmonella scares....I personally think it's a little suspicious that all of these peanut processing plants are being closed ever since the Democrats took over. It almost makes you think there's a vast left wing conspiracy against elephants.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Wayne Will Forever Remain Faithful New Orleans

I am so proud of Lil' Wayne. His performance on the Grammy's last night with Allen Toussaint and the Dirty Dozen Brass Band can only be described one way... so New Orleans.... 1825 Tulane...

Also, in case you missed it, Wayne appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman to deliver the Top 10 List last week. The "pause" part is hysterical.

7. I get to hang with the Jonas Brothers. Have you seen those guys? They're adoreable...Pause.

A lot of people think that Weezy simply read the "pause" off of the teleprompter. I personally think the "pause" was a moment of silence of sorts for viewers to insert a "no homo." If I'm right it may actually go down, no homo, as the best "no homo" reference of all time.

Watch the clip to see why Weezy was looking forward to the Grammy Awards and decide for yourself.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Holy FUPA, Batman!

By now most of us are familiar with FUPA's, well, the term at least. Hopefully, most of you aren't actually familiar with a FUPA because it's not a pretty sight. Trust me, I know. I have encountered one or two in my day (and that was just on that one particular girl)...What? I was drunk in college and it seemed like a good idea at the time (oy vey?). At least I pulled back 'til I figured out where I was going...sorry, I had to go there.

For those of you who don't what what a FUPA is:

*The above poster gives the androgynous definition of FUPA, but the term is commonly associated with rather robust females in which case the P stands for pu$$y.

As great of a term as FUPA is, I have often wondered if there was a less colloquial term for this phenomenon that is spreading across college campuses nationwide. Well, thanks to the studious nature of my beautiful friend, Dr. Baker, I have found out that the medical term for FUPA is Panniculus. What is shocking though is that there are apparently different grades of FUPA's:

Grade 1
Panniculus barely covers the hairline and mons pubis but not the genitalia.

Grade 2
Extends to cover the genitalia.

Grade 3
Extends to cover the upper thigh

Grade 4
Extends to cover the mid thigh.

Grade 5
Extends to cover the knees or beyond.

In case any of you nosy bodies are wondering, my FUPA experiences have never gone beyond Grade 2...I once met a girl at a certain Uptown bar with a Grade 5 FUPA and contemplated doing it just to add the story to my bucket list but I chose against it...I mean, it's pretty hard to drink a Grade 5 FUPA away. Also, beyond the terribleness of the experience I didn't want to have to have someone else help pull me my feet.

If FUPA had been as major of an epidemic in the 90's Pheobe definitely would have made this song:

For, those of you wondering why I referenced Batman in the title:

Although it appears that Val Kilmer's FUPA is still a Grade 1, I would advise laying off the cheesy poofs for a bit or else Robin may start shacking at another Batcave.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Here's a Terrible Towel, Wipe Your Face

The Pittsburg Steelers come into this Super Bowl, as they do every game, prepared to do some face wiping.

Their rally flag, the Terrible Towel, is not only useful as a tool to wipe your face, but is also symbolic of their old-school ways. The Steelers, the team of the 1970's, play a smash mouth style of football and the rough fibers of their Terrible Towel are almost symbolic of that. I have not felt a Terrible Towel but Pittsburg is a blue-collar, working class town. I really doubt the Terrible Towel is made of Egyptian cotton. Big Ben would lift his nose at such a towel. I have done some thinking about the Terrible Towel and wondered what it would be like if the Steelers had dominated this decade.

Yes, that's right. If the Steelers had dominated this decade they'd be waving the Terrible Sham-Wow in the air. In this day of big money advertisers, and the over-commercialization of the sport I can't help but think that some budding marketing person would attempt this type of product placement. Thankfully, the Steelers are still about the love of the game, and a style of play from another era.

If the Dallas Cowboys, on the otherhand, had a Terrible Towel, I have no doubt that Jerry Jones would license the product out and create the Terrible Sham-Wow. This is the man who has two reality shows based around his team (an HBO show on training camp, and another about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders). I'd even go as far as to say I wouldn't put a Terrible Snuggie past Jerry Jones.

...but I digress.

With that said, how do I think this Super Bowl is going to turn out? The key to the Steelers being able to proudly wave their terrible towels is to overcome the non-chilly weather in Tampa and to be able to keep pace with the Cardinals offense. Otherwise the Steelers will find themselves using their Terrible Towels to wipe their collective faces.

A Series of One-Liners

No, this post isn't about my night out last night but it still might blow your mind.

Oprah, Stevie Wonder, Maria Shriver pitch Obama

Am I the only one wondering...err, bad choice of words. Let me rephrase this...Has anyone else ever considered if Stevie Wonder ever thought he'd get to see a black man elected President of the United States?

...too soon?

Obama retakes oath of office after inauguration stumble

It's the remix, baby, ya dig?

Ok, I'm gonna make this one a two-liner...ahem...

Am I the only one who wonders if John McCain would have even been physically able to raise his hand for the Oath?

...too soon? At least he can pass the potatoes, though, right?

J. Crew Website Crashes Due To People Searching For Obama Items

I wonder how many times the word "plaided" was typed into the search bar.

Senator Caroline Kennedy? Y'know, things just didn't work out ...

Did I expect this to happen? You betcha!

Saddam's hometown unveils statue dedicated to man who threw shoe at President Bush

Apparently, the police later decided to give the statue the boot...

Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle

An alternate title for this story was "French Leadership: About As Strong As FDR's Legs"

...too soon?

Another guys know I have a hard time sticking to just one (call me Biden)...I love how the biased media used the term "mauled" as if this poodle were a pitbull or something of the sort...that's almost as bad as the liberal usage of the term "nabbed" I've seen in the Times-Picayune...yeah, you know what I'm talking about...I think it's TERRABULL...

Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

Is this a nerdy Austinite's idea of a street prank? I personally think it's much cooler to have one of those iconic New Orleans water meter covers...ahem...

Once again I'm not satisfied with just one line so here's a picture of what I hear these signs are being reprogrammed to say... Caroline Kennedy would say "y'know, a picture if worth a thousand words, y'know"...and we all know how many lines that is, right? so much for brevity, ha?

Saints QB Brees named FedEx Air Player of the Year

I love Drew Brees, no Romo.

A Buzzer Is Beaten, Coaches Fight, and Sammy, The Headbutting Owl Gets Ejected

So the Rice owl was ejected from the Tulane game because he headbutted a referee? Sounds like that matchup was for the birds...TERRABULL...Sounds like he FOULED out...TERRABULL...but seriously, the Rice Owl got the mascot equivalant of a red card, which brings me to my Superbowl prediction (a stretch I know, but I didn't want this post to be stingy). I absolutely think the Cardinals will beat the Steelers in a close game. Why do I think this, you ask. Nothing to do with the tired discussion of Arizona's offense versus the tough defense of Pittsburg. It all comes down to one word: snow. The Steelers seemingly function off this stuff...they live in it. The Cardinals, however, are used to dealing with the drought and the weather in sunny Tampa will be just enough to tip the scale in their favor. Now, if the game were being played in Miami, well, that's another story, but we won't dabble in that right now.

Damn all this talk of snow got me talking alot. I guess I used up a lot of lines on that one. Isn't that how it always goes? It kind of reminds me of when it snowed in New Orleans in December and thats all we talked about...sorry I'm babbling on...

...RIP: Weezy the Snowman December 11, 2008 - December 11, 2008...

speaking of Weezy...

Lil Wayne Sits With CBS’ Katie Couric For All Access Grammy Special

Something about hearing Lil' Wayne, Katie Couric and grammy in one sentence just sounds wrong and hilarious at the same time...Even if Weezy doesn't win a single award during next week's ceremony something tells me he'll still be walking away with a few Grammy's...everyone knows he will...

This wound up being a lot longer than I thought it'd be...

That's what she said...

But, seriously, I guess things started out with a series of one-liners and just kind of, well, snowballed from there...oy vey!