Snakes on a Plane, Pirates and Teabagging

Has anyone watched the news lately? The past few weeks headlines have been filled with some pretty ridiculous headlines. There must be something in the water because watching the news has made me feel like we're actually going backwards as a society. You really just can't make this kind of stuff up. In case any of you missed the absurdity going on in the world...

Real snakes on a plane force grounding - There's really not much else to say about this one...

The Sequel to the original we all know and love...Snakes On A Plano starring Walker Texas Ranger

And then there were the Somali Pirates that captured an American flagged vessel...Am I the only one that couldn't hear them talk about pirates without chuckling a little bit? I mean, pirates are pretty funny...I am just hoping that certain sports franchises that have pirates as their mascot change their logos to reflect the modern day pirates. Take East Carolina University for instance...

Protect your booty, the Pirates are coming.

Speaking of Piracy, weren't those guys from Metallica the leaders of the anti piracy crusade against Napster back in the day? I wonder where James Hetfield was during this pirate standoff?

Metallica: From Heavy Metal to Light Italian Silk

Shopping at the Armani store? Funny how he's against piracy when it affects his own pocketbook but not when lives are actually endangered. Didn't Metallica have an album entitled ...And Justice for All? I'm not positive, but I think so...I'm going to go download it in a bit to find out...

Now on to the Tax Day Tea Parties held to protest out of control governmental spending. Nancy Pelosi claimed that these parties were not "grass root" efforts, but rather "astro turf" efforts led by rich Republicans. Hmm...Didn't President Obama get elected by a real "grass roots" campaign...led by Hollywood and Oprah? No big money involved there.

But then things got messy (pun intended) when certain media outlets decided to turn the protests into a dirty joke about TEABAGGING...mature guys, really mature...In case any of you are unfamiliar with the term...

I am left wondering if these media outlets actually grasped what "teabagging" really means as was made clear when "intellectual" Janeane Garofalo spoke her mind on the Tax Day Tea Parties:

"That is nothing but a bunch of teabagging rednecks. And there is no way around that. And you know, you can tell these type of right wingers anything and they’ll believe it, except the truth."

Umm, if the right-wingers are teabaggers, doesn't that make her and the other left-wingers the teabagged? Just saying...Not only was this an immature attack but it was also misguided on many levels, unless she's into that sort of thing but well most would agree its better to be the teabagger than the teabagged.

Until next time let not your face be wiped, unless you're Janeane Garofalo being teabagged.

Texas: It’s Like a Whole Other Country

A few weeks ago I wrote a bit about how Chuck Norris (aka Walker, Texas Ranger) is growing frustrated with the growing size of the United States government and feels that the U.S. is on the wrong path. Chuck, taking Texas' tourism slogan a little too literally, even went as far as to claim that if Texas were to secede he would run for President of Texas. While some may dismiss Chuck Norris' words as crazy talk, I wouldn't advise doing so as the resulting roundhouse kick to the face could leave you wiping said face for a while.

I was left pondering some questions stemming from Chuck Norris' intent to run for President of Texas. Some of the questions were fairly obvious. For instance, would the Dallas Cowboys still be America's Team? Although they haven't really held that title in over a decade anyway so I guess the point is moot. Also, what would happen with Houston? I mean its not really Texas, anyway, never was. I guess they'd just partition it off, further solidifying its role as the New Jersey of the South. Lastly, since Lone Star Beer is the "National Beer of Texas" does that mean that they can finally start brewing the stuff in San Antonio again? Also if Texas were to actually be its own country would those of us who live in southern Louisiana and the Gulf Coast need to have passports to evacuate during hurricane season?

While some of the questions that ran through my head were rather silly, some were also serious. As a former student of political science I couldn't help but think that Chuck Norris should conduct a public opinion poll to see how people in Texas felt about being their own country.

Apparently Texans think that the rest of the people in the U.S. are Canadians, eh?

Chuck Norris doesn't need to conduct public opinion polls as he can merely think of any given population and synthesize a random sample with a margin of error of 0%. Using these scientific polling techniques it becomes clear that Texans already view themselves as another country. But, then I thought to myself, if Texas were to become its own country, would Chuck Norris be the right man from the job? I know I'm crazy for questioning the ability of Chuck Norris but it is a fair question even in a Chucktatorship. So I decided that we should see where Chuck Norris stands on several hot button issues that he would be facing if he were to ever become the President of Texas.

On Climate Change

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

On Fixing the Recession of '09

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

On Evolution

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.

On Foreign Policy

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

On Streamlining the IRS Tax Code

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Ask not what you can do for Chuck Norris. Ask what Chuck Norris can do for you.

On "Enemy Combatants"

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

On Stem Cell Research

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

On Reducing America's Dependency on Foreign Oil

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

On Gun Control

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

On the Constitution

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

On Cutting Bureaucratic Red Tape

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

On Stopping Blood Diamond Proliferation

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

On Military Spending

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

On Sweeping New Financial Ethics Reforms

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

On the Media

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

On the Separation of Chuck and State

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

On the Drug War

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

On Helping the Blind

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

On Wildfires

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

On Extra Terrestrial Life

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

On Parking Violations

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

On the Kennedy Assassination

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

...and lets not forget that while Chuck Norris has many skills, the most well known being his roundhouse kick to the face, he has one oft overlooked talent...

...that's right...Chuck Norris has Nun Chuck skills...

Until next time, let not your face be wiped.

Walker: Texas President?

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

It seems like an uncanny coincidence that not only is Chuck Norris celebrating his 69th birthday today but it's also International Day of Awesomeness. Actually, I am clearly forgetting Chuck Norris Fact #310

• If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

I would like to take this opportunity send Chuck Norris my regards, although he'll probably just roundhouse kick them back to me. Hope you enjoy your 69th (hopefully with Christie Brinkley) and International Awesomeness Day.

And apparently I am forgetting another important Chuck Norris fact that many of us may not have heard yet.

• Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Although Chuck Norris initially endorsed Republican candidate Mike Huckabee during his run for the GOP's nomination, he apparently saw the mandate that President-elect Barack Obama received from the electorate and allowed him to become the 44th President of the United States. Only fifty days into Obama's administration it seems as if Chuck Norris has seen enough of and lets his views be known in his column entitled I may run for President of Texas on the conservative website World Net Daily. You just can't make up stuff this entertaining. President of Texas? Oh, lawd...here we go...

Is he crazy for being Chuck or is Chuck just crazy? He's been around and still around like them Geico cavemen.

"I may run for president of Texas. That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state. From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders' vision and government."

In addition to the ideological argument that America is slipping away from its core values, Chuck Norris probably was not amused by this picture that surfaced on the internet...

Wait a minute, you're not Trivette.

But seriously, in the article Chuck highlights how he sees the United States going astray with reckless spending and big government ideas and claims that the conditions are ripe for change. He channels the views of some fringe groups in the Lone Star State that claim that Texas can secede due to a highly debated clause placed in the state's constitution when the once sovereign nation was annexed by the U.S.

"I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it."

"They lost [the Battle of the Alamo], but would provide the inspiration to win the war. Their fighting spirit rallied the new-found republic, and still does to this day. So when you think all is lost in America, remember the Alamo!"

Chuck Norris doesn't remember the Alamo. The Alamo remembers Chuck Norris.

So, Chuck Norris' solution to the growing size of the United States government and its increasing role in the daily lives of Americans is for Texas to secede? And for Chuck Norris to run for the Presidency of the New Republic of Texas? While I don't doubt Chuck Norris' ability to do anything I do feel it necessary for us to examine the logistics and likelihood of these occurrences in the coming days. For right now, though, I'd like to remind everyone of a rumor I heard once...during Chuck Norris' senior year of high school he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

CRIBS: Presidential Edition

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, I am not doing this just to make the obvious joke based on racial stereotypes. Although, before taking office, President Obama did drive a Chrysler 300 with a Hemi no less. Pause.

File photo. Obama has swag and knows that Lambo doors are played out, bruh.

Barack Obama is not the first President to have swag, though. What many of you may not know is that President Bush had a some swag of his own (43, not 41, obvi.). Why do you think people called him G-Dub? In fact, when he was elected in 2000 he had some rather specific requests for his Presidential Limo. Let's just say he wanted to wanted to "pimp his ride."

What are you doin' today, George? Muddin', honey.

President George W. Bush's request for a Cowboy Cadillac was denied, however, for obvious reasons. I mean, the kind of fuel economy of a truck like that could have possibly pushed Al Gore over the edge. DUBya's vehicle preferences, much like his politics, differ from those of Obama in many ways. Apparently, upon election Obama wanted to add some of his own personal touches to his Presidential Limo.

Rims big make the car look like it's two stories. No Hemi. Pause.

The lifestyle differences between Bush and Obama extend beyond just their differing views of how the Presidential Limo should be customized. Both men even went as far as to propose changes to the iconic Air Force One. You be the judge of whose next-gen Air Force One concept is more ridiculous.

Advisors felt the Don't Mess With Texas "branding" may ellicit a pre-emptive strike. Wait, what?

While the Boss Hog style horns on the front seem rather outlandish, at least Bush's concept only required aesthetic changes to the existing plane. Barack Obama's dream Air Force One would have required a whole change in the way Presidential travel is conducted.

Do what ya do but watch my shoes so I can get to stompin' in my Air Force Ones.

Obviously, Obama's idea of wearing Air Force One's instead of flying in Air Force one was rejected for many reasons. One of them being the potential for many bad Harlem Globetrotters jokes. I am left to wonder if Obama does actually have a pair of these pimped out Nike's. I mean, President George W. Bush did have a pair of handmade in Texas Lucchese alligator cowboy boots with the Presidential Seal on them. Maybe its not such a far-fetched idea after all.

Apparently someone has figured out how to reach across party lines and bridge the divide between Bush and Obama.

Cadillac on 42's...change Bush and Obama can both believe in.

Moral of the story: Even though on the surface the differences between Bush and Obama seem as clear as black and white, both clearly have a swagger like us.

*CRIBS: PE didn't even bother asking about President Obama's proposed change to the White House...obviously this change was vetoed...how do you think he got to keep his Blackberry?...In the words of grey ghost John McCain "...that, my friends, is political bargaining."

A Series of One-Liners

No, this post isn't about my night out last night but it still might blow your mind.

Oprah, Stevie Wonder, Maria Shriver pitch Obama

Am I the only one wondering...err, bad choice of words. Let me rephrase this...Has anyone else ever considered if Stevie Wonder ever thought he'd get to see a black man elected President of the United States?



...too soon?

Obama retakes oath of office after inauguration stumble

It's the remix, baby, ya dig?

Ok, I'm gonna make this one a two-liner...ahem...

Am I the only one who wonders if John McCain would have even been physically able to raise his hand for the Oath?



...too soon? At least he can pass the potatoes, though, right?

J. Crew Website Crashes Due To People Searching For Obama Items

I wonder how many times the word "plaided" was typed into the search bar.

Senator Caroline Kennedy? Y'know, things just didn't work out ...

Did I expect this to happen? You betcha!

Saddam's hometown unveils statue dedicated to man who threw shoe at President Bush

Apparently, the police later decided to give the statue the boot...



Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle

An alternate title for this story was "French Leadership: About As Strong As FDR's Legs"

...too soon?

Another line...you guys know I have a hard time sticking to just one (call me Biden)...I love how the biased media used the term "mauled" as if this poodle were a pitbull or something of the sort...that's almost as bad as the liberal usage of the term "nabbed" I've seen in the Times-Picayune...yeah, you know what I'm talking about...I think it's TERRABULL...



Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

Is this a nerdy Austinite's idea of a street prank? I personally think it's much cooler to have one of those iconic New Orleans water meter covers...ahem...

Once again I'm not satisfied with just one line so here's a picture of what I hear these signs are being reprogrammed to say...



...as Caroline Kennedy would say "y'know, a picture if worth a thousand words, y'know"...and we all know how many lines that is, right? so much for brevity, ha?

Saints QB Brees named FedEx Air Player of the Year

I love Drew Brees, no Romo.

A Buzzer Is Beaten, Coaches Fight, and Sammy, The Headbutting Owl Gets Ejected

So the Rice owl was ejected from the Tulane game because he headbutted a referee? Sounds like that matchup was for the birds...TERRABULL...Sounds like he FOULED out...TERRABULL...but seriously, the Rice Owl got the mascot equivalant of a red card, which brings me to my Superbowl prediction (a stretch I know, but I didn't want this post to be stingy). I absolutely think the Cardinals will beat the Steelers in a close game. Why do I think this, you ask. Nothing to do with the tired discussion of Arizona's offense versus the tough defense of Pittsburg. It all comes down to one word: snow. The Steelers seemingly function off this stuff...they live in it. The Cardinals, however, are used to dealing with the drought and the weather in sunny Tampa will be just enough to tip the scale in their favor. Now, if the game were being played in Miami, well, that's another story, but we won't dabble in that right now.

Damn all this talk of snow got me talking alot. I guess I used up a lot of lines on that one. Isn't that how it always goes? It kind of reminds me of when it snowed in New Orleans in December and thats all we talked about...sorry I'm babbling on...



...RIP: Weezy the Snowman December 11, 2008 - December 11, 2008...

speaking of Weezy...

Lil Wayne Sits With CBS’ Katie Couric For All Access Grammy Special

Something about hearing Lil' Wayne, Katie Couric and grammy in one sentence just sounds wrong and hilarious at the same time...Even if Weezy doesn't win a single award during next week's ceremony something tells me he'll still be walking away with a few Grammy's...everyone knows he will...

This wound up being a lot longer than I thought it'd be...

That's what she said...

But, seriously, I guess things started out with a series of one-liners and just kind of, well, snowballed from there...oy vey!

Whatever You Like Parody - (Obama - Whatever I Like)

After his first day in office, not only has President Barack Obama signed his first executive order to freeze Guantanamo Bay for 120 days, but he apparently also made a music video. He just wanted to let us know how he feels I guess?



And although its a pre-election clip I'm including this "Whatever You Like" spoof called "Vote However You Like" up for good measure because these 7th graders from the Ron Clark Academy are just too awesome to leave out of this post.

Change We Can Believe In Or Too Soon?

So, up until Obama was sworn in today it appeared to many that there was a dire need for CHANGE in our nation. The argument could be made that things in this country seemed eerily similar to the early 90's and that we were headed in the wrong direction (I won't even get into my opinion on this, because, well I have my convictions much as President George W. Bush does and I stand by them, but that's beside the point). Wherever you stand politically it is hard to deny the similarities...an unpopular war in the middle east, a slowing economy, a President named George Bush. Well, now the United States of America has sworn in President Barack Obama and we now have our CHANGE...



But are things going to CHANGE that much?

During the Capitol luncheon Senator Ted Kennedy suffered a seizure and collapsed. Is this change? I mean we know how those Kennedy's are about being able to keep their heads together during major events...

...too soon?

...but seriously am I the only one wondering if he fell to the back and to the left?

...definitely too soon?

Seriously, though Sen. Kennedy probably just had a few too many scotches...wasn't this lunch held a little after noon? I am sure its not the first time Sen. Kennedy has hit the floor before 3:00 P.M.

According to George Stephanopoulos' account of the event:

Sen. Robert Byrd, D-W.Va., the oldest member of the Senate, was so upset and distraught from what he had witnessed, that he needed to be taken out of the room.

Wait, we're still talking about Kennedy's seizure, right? Or the inauguration in general? I mean we are talking about Sen. Byrd, here....'nuff said...if you don't get it look him up.

But back to the man of the hour, President Barack Obama and his inauguration speech. A Swedish website was taking bets on the likelihood of Obama using certain words during his election. The odds were 1000:1 that he would use the word 'banana'. WTF? Anyway, I am saddened to report that none of the following words made it into his speech: 'pace,' 'chili,' 'wipe his face,' etc...

I don't blame President Obama, though, I blame his head speech writer, John Favreau.

No, not that one...



That would have been so money though...

This, however, did happen and I only wish I would've placed some of the CHANGE I have left on someone breaking out with a freestyle during the ceremony.



Say, what? Oh, lawd...

I think my favorite thing about this whole inauguration was Washington D.C. enacting prostitution free zones for the day. Wait, shouldn't they all be prostitution free zones? Nevermind...I am left to ask myself how did these zones impact local businesses in the District. Well, you didn't hear it from me but I hear a certain Louisiana Senator *cough* was seen in a poorly created disguise eating at his favorite spot today...



I heard it was extra messy today and that he did in fact have to 'wipe his face.'

And then there was Beyonce singing the First Dance for the First Couple on this historical day. I couldn't help but think that she should've just called an audible and started singing "...to the left, to the left..."

And now for our moment of zen for the week. With all this talk of HOPE and optimism in the country I couldn't think of a more appropriate story to bring up than the story of United Flight 1549. Both engines are dead and you are barely off the ground flying above a densely populated urban area. It seems as if catastrophe has struck. But a skilled pilot was able to land the plane on the Hudson River and all 155 people aboard walked away with their lives and only minor injuries. This brush with near disaster seems to be the perfect backdrop for President Obama's message of HOPE and optimism. I am certain our 44th President would say that such an event serves as a means of showing that even when things seem dim we must have HOPE and to those who doubt he would say 'Yes, we can.'



I, however, can only think "Who was flying that plane? JFK Jr.?"

...too soon?

That's What Sarah Palin Said

No explanation necessary...



...or as they say across the pond, "...said the actress to the bishop!"