Thursday, April 30, 2009


As a member of Gen-tXt (defined as aged 11 - that age where arthritis makes those QWERTY buttons annoying little whippersnappers) I have recently found myself highly amused by the new website TXTS FRM LST NGHT. Also being a connoisseur of area codes (I took that old Ludacris song a little too much to heart, apparently) I was even more entertained when I saw this text and realized what area code it came from...

(201): she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.

Ah, 201...New Jersey, you never cease to amaze me...but you know what they say...

Jersey also provided a few other gems that I couldn't help but be amazed by...

(201): remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.

and den...

(201): whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc

Jersey isn't alone in perpetuating geographic stereotypes through their texts though...Courtesy of the 817 a.k.a. Ft. Worth, TX...

(817): She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
(1-817): OMG. What did u say?
(817): I told her I did too.

...sometimes you really do need to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em...and then you have the Massholes...

(508): you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
(978): I guess I misjudged your gender.

And then you have Los Angeles...

(949): With my blond hair and big tits getting ass is like fishing in a bathtub

I'm assuming she meant its easy because a bathtub is relatively small which would make fishing easier, but doesn't she realize there aren't fish in most bathtubs? Never mind, I read her self-description again...Maybe she meant crabbing?...and another gem courtesy of L.A...

(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.

And then you have the hippies down in Austin...

(512): uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.

Until next time don't let your face be wiped, unless your texts are showing up on TXTS FRM LST NGHT.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Snakes on a Plane, Pirates and Teabagging

Has anyone watched the news lately? The past few weeks headlines have been filled with some pretty ridiculous headlines. There must be something in the water because watching the news has made me feel like we're actually going backwards as a society. You really just can't make this kind of stuff up. In case any of you missed the absurdity going on in the world...

Real snakes on a plane force grounding - There's really not much else to say about this one...

The Sequel to the original we all know and love...Snakes On A Plano starring Walker Texas Ranger

And then there were the Somali Pirates that captured an American flagged vessel...Am I the only one that couldn't hear them talk about pirates without chuckling a little bit? I mean, pirates are pretty funny...I am just hoping that certain sports franchises that have pirates as their mascot change their logos to reflect the modern day pirates. Take East Carolina University for instance...

Protect your booty, the Pirates are coming.

Speaking of Piracy, weren't those guys from Metallica the leaders of the anti piracy crusade against Napster back in the day? I wonder where James Hetfield was during this pirate standoff?

Metallica: From Heavy Metal to Light Italian Silk

Shopping at the Armani store? Funny how he's against piracy when it affects his own pocketbook but not when lives are actually endangered. Didn't Metallica have an album entitled ...And Justice for All? I'm not positive, but I think so...I'm going to go download it in a bit to find out...

Now on to the Tax Day Tea Parties held to protest out of control governmental spending. Nancy Pelosi claimed that these parties were not "grass root" efforts, but rather "astro turf" efforts led by rich Republicans. Hmm...Didn't President Obama get elected by a real "grass roots" campaign...led by Hollywood and Oprah? No big money involved there.

But then things got messy (pun intended) when certain media outlets decided to turn the protests into a dirty joke about TEABAGGING...mature guys, really mature...In case any of you are unfamiliar with the term...

I am left wondering if these media outlets actually grasped what "teabagging" really means as was made clear when "intellectual" Janeane Garofalo spoke her mind on the Tax Day Tea Parties:

"That is nothing but a bunch of teabagging rednecks. And there is no way around that. And you know, you can tell these type of right wingers anything and they’ll believe it, except the truth."

Umm, if the right-wingers are teabaggers, doesn't that make her and the other left-wingers the teabagged? Just saying...Not only was this an immature attack but it was also misguided on many levels, unless she's into that sort of thing but well most would agree its better to be the teabagger than the teabagged.

Until next time let not your face be wiped, unless you're Janeane Garofalo being teabagged.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

We'll Miss You, John Madden

John Madden's retirement is leaving NFL fans to wonder who will state the painfully obvious now? Madden's insight into the game will be hard to else would we have learned that the team with the most points at the end of the game is generally the winner? While his understanding of the game was unquestioned (how could it be?), we must not forget his other contributions to broadcasting. Madden's appetite frequently made for comedic genius. I'll never forget watching him cover a San Diego Chargers game (as a commentator, not literally covering it) when they cut to a shot of a local restaurant serving fish tacos. Madden was quick to note that he just wasn't comfortable eating a fish taco, which led me to believe that he rarely wipes his face. But more importantly John Madden made the turduken a household name and not merely something that your crazy relatives from the bayou serve up on Thanksgiving.

Mmm...Turducken...It gives you the meat sweats.

And then there were the Maddenisms which became part of the NFL's lexicon. More often than not they were words of praise directed towards Madden's favorite football player, Brett Favre. The happiness that Madden would exude when calling Favre a "gunslinger" or a "riverboat gambler" is the kind of pure joy usually reserved for the fat kid on the playground providing his commentary to the childlike antics of his friends from the neighborhood as he eats chicken turducken and watches them play. Oh, wait...

It seems like once Brett Favre left the game, Madden waited it out a little to make sure it was fo sho this time and then finally realized that Brett Favre had actually retired this time. Madden just couldn't go on anymore without the man, the myth, the legend in his life.

Favre walking away after sending the heartbreaking text message to Madden.

With the original gunslinger/riverboat gambler leaving football forever, Madden had lost all hope of his dreams coming true.

Madden's dreams of a "bromance" with Brett Favre were crushed. The people of Kiln, MS probably wouldn't have approved anyway.

Madden was apparently devastated about Favre's departure, but someone else was even more crushed about Madden's departure.

Romo: Why must it be this way? John Madden once said that I'm the kind of kind that can walk into a bar, shoot he 8-ball in the pocket, pick up my money and leave. Will anyone ever love me like he loved me?

Yup, that's right...Tony Romo thinks that Madden is a "big meanie" for leaving broadcasting. Who else is going to compare him to the legendary Brett Favre. It sure won't be Troy Aikman. Looks like Romo's going to have to find another cheerleader this season, but who would be silly enough to praise this guy?

Even Jessica Simpson knows that's not how the game is played.

Oh, we go again...

Until next time let not your face be wiped, unless you're eating a turducken.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Don't Tax Me, Bro

Or as they say in Kenner, "Don't tax me, bruh."

Thought of the day: "A friend is one who takes you to lunch even if you're not tax deductable." - anonymous

Photo courtesy of the San Antonio Express-News, not the New Orleans Times-Picayune.

Until next time let not your face be wiped unless, of course, you're Tim Geitner.

New Orleans: Where We Breed Real Rappers

While reading Thursday night I noticed an article entitled Lil Wayne saved by alert off duty cop. I immediately clicked on it and was relieved to learn that it was not breaking news but that it was a human (although Wayne doe claim to be a martian) interest story of sorts about how The Best Rapper Alive's life was saved when he accidentally shot himself wen he was 12. While I knew about Lil' Wayne's gun accident when he was even littler, I didn't know of the heroics that this NOPD officer displayed in saving the young Wayne.

Lil' Wayne's been shot twice but he don't walk with a limp.

When this article really became ridiculous to me was when I read the print version the next morning. THE ARTICLE WAS THE FEATURE STORY--FRONT PAGE OF THE TIMES-PICAYUNE! Now, I love Lil' Wayne as much as the next peep, but damn...must have been a slow news day...didn't this event occur in 1994?...I mean I felt like it was Grammy week again (the week of the Awards show, not hell week at a certain sorority house at Tulane) when Weezy F. Baby was on the front page for three consecutive days. Bonus points to the Times-Picayune for using the term "wheezing" to describe Wayne's agony after accidentally shooting himself. If only Lil' Wayne had been saved by a lady cop. Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee...

And then yesterday the local news covered a story than can only be described by saying "Only in New Orleans."

C-Murder joins with ministers to announce anti-violence initiatives

Matching your teeth with your glasses. Very GQ.

Yup, that's right...No Limit rapper and Master P's brother (literally, not figuratively), C-Murder, who is accused of murder is on a crusade against violence in New Orleans.

The highlight of the article on C-Murder hosting an anti-crime press conference has to be this:

Rapper Corey Miller, also known as C-Murder, holds a press conference in Kenner on Tuesday. Because he is under house arrest, he spoke from just inside the doorway.

Until next time let not your face be wiped unless, of course, its a Tuesday or a Thursday in which case you better watch for the sweep.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Stereotypes of Texas Universities

There used to be a great website that published satirical summaries of the stereotypes associated with all the universities in Texas. Some of the descriptions provided were hilarious yet slightly exaggerated but as we all know there is usually at least a grain of truth to a stereotype. Someone should really make one of these based on Louisiana's universities (there is some great material).

I decided to offer you an abridged version of the now defunct web site's take on who attends certain schools in Texas. I added some pictures to the text to add to the satire and edited out a lot of the colleges because, well, who cares about Sul Ross State? If you must view the whole list there is now a facebook group dedicated to these college stereotypes. Below are the highlights.


The Longhorns most famous cheerleader: Matthew McConaughey.

I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I also really hate Chris Simms. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious.
I am a Longhorn.


Texas A & M: World renowned for providing an 'intimate' classroom setting.

I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's ass. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone can in my battalion. I beat up faggots, fish, and hunt for fun. If I'm not yelling, drinking with my battalion, or beating up faggots for fun, I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to t.u. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas in college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT t.u. if I want.
I am an Aggie.


Sic 'em Bears: Finally hoping for some penetration in the red zone after all those years.

I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolest thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can coordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have a radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model.
I am a Bear.

I worked my butt off in high school to get in here and am fully paying for my expensive education with scholarships, or else my Mommy and Daddy went here and they're paying for it all and I only got in because they both made some calls. We're the oldest institution of higher learning in the state, yet we've always sucked at football. Its ok, we're just paying our way to be in the Big 12. The only teams that win anything are the baseball team and women's lacrosse but even that’s a little too dyke-ish for the rest of the Baptist General Convention. We tell our parents we go to church on Sunday mornings, but really we all get up, get dressed and go to IHOP. Our veins are pumped of Dr. Pepper and we're always wearing a school shirt that some frat or club or dance or 11 o'clock MWF class made. And mandatory Chapel? What is this, communism? It's ok though I guess; I only came here to find a spouse; however it's harder than I thought with the visitation hours being 1 pm to 6 pm every day, so I just date one hall at a time. I go to Baylor, where a '95 silver Accord is actually considered the nicest car driven by a faculty member and the ghetto-est car driven by a student. I am a Bear.


Bobby Knight: You'd go crazy, too, if you had to spend that much time in Lubbock.

I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live - so I trek to the strip, which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I don't go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything. Not even class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's ass points to College Station. I fry cow balls. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high. And what the hell is that smell?
I am a Red Raider.


Can this shirt be ordered in burnt orange?

I am in a fraternity or sorority of course. I drive a big-ass Tahoe (if I'm a guy), a BMW (if I'm less of a guy), or a Land Rover (if I'm a girl). If I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I used to wear my diamonds and heels for football games, but things have changed. Now it's a purple tube top with my Louis Vuitton handbag. School spirit! Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub during the week or Snookies on Sundays. We are having a J. Crew built in the bookstore next year and our send-home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is 4 to 1; where the girls are girls, and so are the guys.
I'm a Frog.


SMU Mustangs: Pony up!

See the listing for Texas Christian University above...change 'Hulen' to 'Mockingbird'.
I'm a Mustang.

We are Baylor times TCU to the third power. I have more money than you could ever dream about. Abercrombie and Fitch? I don't think so, my line is strictly custom made from Gucci. The Galleria? I think I own it, or most of it at least. My idea of a good time is traveling down Mockingbird in my 2003 BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Range Rover, or whichever of my cars I decide to drive; either I'm on my way to my $700k condo, or to my fraternity or sorority house that has dues higher than your college's tuition. Our football team? Oh it's okay they suck, they are all real cute, and their daddies own Fortune 500 companies. A&M and UT? My family would have died if I had ever considered one of those to educate me. Don't worry, just because Baylor has more net worth than SMU doesn't mean my mom and dad don't have more net worth than Baylor. Where the girls are Barbies and the boys are Kens, there's only room for Greeks and the gorgeous. Have great fear for I am a Mustang.


I tried to get into a real school, but couldn't. I spend most weekends tubing down the river in New Braunfels drunk and/or high and naked, or getting drunk and acting like an idiot in Luckenbach.
I'm a Bobcat.

a few updates...
We are now called Texas State University because we want to pretend we are a big school like UT or A&M by taking out the "southwest" part. Oh yeah, San Marcos sucks unless you are a cheerleader, apparently they are national champions, so you have to party in Austin or San Antonio. We USED to be the #1 party school in the nation, or at least that's what people in Texas think. Who's heard of SWT anywhere but Texas? Why would the Princeton Review even care? We are still the Bobcats, but our mascot is a "Supercat." Whatever.

oh by the way, our Renegade Rugby team will DESTROY yours


I live in a town so Mexican that we cancel classes at 3:00 pm every day to take a siesta. My parents have money. I'm in a fraternity or sorority. Dorks are allowed. I was really smart in high school. I was kind of weird too. Our mascot is the Tiger because everything else in Texas was taken. I watch football games from my dorm balcony. Far West is the place to be. I don't steal because I own everything. I have had my SUV here at school since my freshman year. I have a papasan chair in my room. My tuition is so high that both grandfathers had to go fight for more GI Bills to pay for it. I probably have a scholarship too. I'm not originally from Texas. Who is the governor of Texas right now? I will probably move to the mid-west after graduation. Longhorns are slackers. What's an Aggie? Sea World? We have a Sea World?? I went to Six Flags Fiesta my senior year when I visited the school. Haven't been back since. I've tried drugs but never got hooked. Homosexuality is way okay. I used to be Presbyterian, until the school dropped the covenant, now I don't really go to church. War is not cool, but I guess it doesn't matter, as long as I don't have to go to boot camp.
I'm a Tiger.


I go to a university smaller than your high school. Despite what you may have heard about Catholics, we are freaks. I have never met so many pot heads in my life. We wake up high, we go to class high, and we go to sleep high. If we aren't high we are drunk or rolling. I drink more beer than water. My saving grace is the toilet. I blackout for extended periods of time several nights a week. My friends tell me the next day about the striptease I did at the party the night before that I can't remember. I think of cigarettes, coffee, Cheetos and ramen noodles as being the new food groups. We are spoiled brats. Our mascot is the Rattler but we don't really care because we don't even have a football team. Oh yeah, and our school is in San Antonio. I bet you didn't know that.
I am a Rattler.


I live in a town that glorifies Aggies and all I want in life is to be one myself. Instead, I am a Buccaneer at Blinn that claims to be an Aggie at heart. I party at A&M, my friends that I followed to College Station go to A&M, and I attend all the A&M games, but my lack of intelligence and motivation has hindered me in officially joining the cult of A&M. Even though the town we live in is uber-conservative, we all know that everyone here is a closet freak. I have a Confederate Flag on the back of my pickup truck along with a gun rack so as to make sure that I am not labeled "queer." Too bad I will probably just transfer to a community college in my hometown after I have finished the first two years here at Blinn.
I am an Aggie, er, Buccaneer.


In 2005 Rice Football held the record for the third longest losing streak in the history of college ball. The streak was broken when they played my alma mater, Tulane. Can we play the Katrina card on that?

I live in the fourth biggest city in the country, yet I can go weeks without leaving campus. Even when I do leave, it takes 30 minutes to go get gas, and an hour to move a mile on the 45 or the 59. I was either a dork in high school and am still a dork, or I was a dork in high school and now i pretend to be cool. If asked where I'm from, I respond with my college and not my hometown. To relieve stress I run around campus naked twice a month. If I go to the library at midnight, there's a good chance I might not be able to find a free computer, in which case I can always just go to the pub. The pub is heaven on earth. I worship the baseball team, play drinking games in class, and firmly believe that Martel is not a college. I was a pre-med until orgo made me its two semester bitch, now i'm an academ. Beer bike is the biggest event of the year, yet 90% of people pass out before the races even begin. I think it's cool to cuss at the top of my lungs and call it a cheer. Even drunk or stoned, I'm still smarter than you.
I am an Owl.


TEX(T)-MEX? No bueno.

I live in a town with Mexicans and Hispanics...and Mexicans. I go to school here because I was either too stupid or too poor to attend a real college. We have parking lots that rival the acerage of Rhode Island, and our designers have yet to discover the amazing structural technology called a parking garage. Our scenery is nonexistent, except for the downtown campus, which has a lovely view of the jail and a police substation. Everyone commutes, and honestly, The University of Phoenix Online has more social interaction among the students than we do.
I am a Roadrunner.

Until next time let not your face be wiped...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Baseball Players Have Funny Names Pt. 2

Baseball season is upon us and with any luck this season won't disappoint, unless of course if you're a Braves or Cubs fan in which case I shouldn't have to tell you what to expect. As some of you may remember, a few weeks back I highlighted a few players with amusing/unfortunate names that I though you might find entertaining. After finding out that the San Francisco Giants chose these ads for their 2009 campaign I decided I had to revive the post...

Let's Play With Balls of Fire? Damn, they must have hooked up with her, too. Explains why baseball players scratch themselves so much though.

But, now to the reason you're here...other than being bored...more Major League players with minorly amusing names...

How did this guy not land his own cereal?

Catfish Hunter? You're doing it wrong, buddy!

He was good at placing his fingers on the seams. That's what she said!

Not much to say about this one.

Rollie Fingers has quite a molestache.

Redundant much?

Until next time, let not your face be wiped unless you have balls of fire in which case you're probably already sweatin' a little.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dallas & Driving Don't Mix

While doing my normal morning routine of reading useless crap on the internet a few days ago I noticed a disturbing trend on one of my favorite car sites, Jalopnik. I don't know what was in the air in Dallas last week but they had some amusing incidents involving cars. I guess it should come as no surprise that the home of the $30,000 millionaire would have stuff like this happen, but damn.

First I saw this gem and could do nothing else but attempt to picture the driver of the vehicle. The mental image was highly entertaining.

Apparently, the driver didn't realize the construction crew just finished pouring cement on the road," Bristol said, adding that the car drove into a work area clearly marked by signs and cones. The driver had to be helped out of the car because the vehicle was completely surrounded by wet pavement.
Just enough credit to drive a late model Benz, not enough intelligence to realize you can't drive it through wet cement. Very $30,000 Millionaire of you.

I should have been amused enough by the above story to close out Internet Explorer and go on with my day. Unfortunately it was still way too early in the AM to be productive so I continued reading. It was worth it...There isn't too much you can say about an article with this headline.

Drunk Driver Parks Ferrari on Tracks, Calls 911, Watches it Explode

Click below to hear the 911 call. Be prepared to be disturbed/infuriated.

Until next time, let not your face be wiped...unless, of course, you park your Mercedes in wet cement or your Ferrari on railroad tracks, in which case you are probably already wiping your face.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Rutgers Is In The House and It's Like Where's Waldo

We all know that universities are proud of the accomplishments of their alumni, students and faculty.

The Ivy League schools pride themselves in the number of United States Presidents they have educated and often boast about their world renowned faculty that are at the forefront of their respective fields of study.

SEC schools like to tout the accomplishments of their football programs and their school pride that is inherently linked to these athletic accomplishments.

And then we have Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey. With an enrollment of over 50,000 students (that's a lot of hair gel) you'd assume this institution would have lots of notable alums...other than Nobel laureate economist Milton Friedman I am struggling to point out anything else of note relating to Rutgers.

Until now...It's your time to shine, SUNJ. Rutgers has just set the Guinness world record for most Waldos in a room at once at 1,052.

Rutgers is a world leader is gathering people dressed as Waldo in one room at one time. Congrats!

Until next time, let not your face be wiped, unless you're a Rutgers student dressed as Waldo.