Monday, March 30, 2009

Texas: It’s Like a Whole Other Country

A few weeks ago I wrote a bit about how Chuck Norris (aka Walker, Texas Ranger) is growing frustrated with the growing size of the United States government and feels that the U.S. is on the wrong path. Chuck, taking Texas' tourism slogan a little too literally, even went as far as to claim that if Texas were to secede he would run for President of Texas. While some may dismiss Chuck Norris' words as crazy talk, I wouldn't advise doing so as the resulting roundhouse kick to the face could leave you wiping said face for a while.

I was left pondering some questions stemming from Chuck Norris' intent to run for President of Texas. Some of the questions were fairly obvious. For instance, would the Dallas Cowboys still be America's Team? Although they haven't really held that title in over a decade anyway so I guess the point is moot. Also, what would happen with Houston? I mean its not really Texas, anyway, never was. I guess they'd just partition it off, further solidifying its role as the New Jersey of the South. Lastly, since Lone Star Beer is the "National Beer of Texas" does that mean that they can finally start brewing the stuff in San Antonio again? Also if Texas were to actually be its own country would those of us who live in southern Louisiana and the Gulf Coast need to have passports to evacuate during hurricane season?

While some of the questions that ran through my head were rather silly, some were also serious. As a former student of political science I couldn't help but think that Chuck Norris should conduct a public opinion poll to see how people in Texas felt about being their own country.
Apparently Texans think that the rest of the people in the U.S. are Canadians, eh?

Chuck Norris doesn't need to conduct public opinion polls as he can merely think of any given population and synthesize a random sample with a margin of error of 0%. Using these scientific polling techniques it becomes clear that Texans already view themselves as another country. But, then I thought to myself, if Texas were to become its own country, would Chuck Norris be the right man from the job? I know I'm crazy for questioning the ability of Chuck Norris but it is a fair question even in a Chucktatorship. So I decided that we should see where Chuck Norris stands on several hot button issues that he would be facing if he were to ever become the President of Texas.

On Climate Change

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

On Fixing the Recession of '09

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

On Evolution

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.

On Foreign Policy

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

On Streamlining the IRS Tax Code

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Ask not what you can do for Chuck Norris. Ask what Chuck Norris can do for you.

On "Enemy Combatants"

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

On Stem Cell Research

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

On Reducing America's Dependency on Foreign Oil

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

On Gun Control

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

On the Constitution

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

On Cutting Bureaucratic Red Tape

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

On Stopping Blood Diamond Proliferation

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

On Military Spending

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

On Sweeping New Financial Ethics Reforms

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

On the Media

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

On the Separation of Chuck and State

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

On the Drug War

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

On Helping the Blind

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

On Wildfires

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

On Extra Terrestrial Life

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

On Parking Violations

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

On the Kennedy Assassination

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

...and lets not forget that while Chuck Norris has many skills, the most well known being his roundhouse kick to the face, he has one oft overlooked talent...

...that's right...Chuck Norris has Nun Chuck skills...

Until next time, let not your face be wiped.

504 Whips: Rolling for Cereal Edition

A few weeks back I wrote about the "sticker car" trend that has been growing in popularity in New Orleans and posted some pictures of these 504 Whips with candy motifs. While I don't personally have such a passion for any particular kind of candy enough to have my car painted to reflect it, I do understand that some people think that candy is one hell of a snack and want to share this with least its more entertaining than a drab car with a white powder coat paint job right? I get it...some people really love the candy.

I, however, am completely perplexed by another one of the popular themes popping up on these custom "sticker cars." I remember the first time I saw the Frosted Flakes car on Canal Street. All I could think to myself was how much I wanted to go up to the driver and say "Damn, man, you must really like Frosted Flakes." Then I realized that I was stealing a Dane Cook line and refrained from saying anything...although I'm sure Dane Cook borrowed the line from someone else. Anyway...I can't explain exactly how any cereal can be special enough to make your car into a cereal box on rims but it provides me with some amusing eye candy when I'm cruising the streets of New Orleans. So, without further adieu...the second installment of 504 Whips...The Cereal Killers...err I guess Cereal Lovers? Eh, whatever lets examine how some are Rolling for Cereal...grab yourself a bowl and enjoy...add some sugar if you'd like but its counterproductive if you ask me...

Who all seen the Leprechaun say YEAH.

I think he knows where the gold at. Apparently its in the 9th Ward.

Frosty: The taste adults have grown to love.

Note the Wendy's in the background. If you're from New Orleans you recognize this location.

Raisin Bran: Two Scoops One Bowl?

Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!

While I like Corn Flakes, some would say this one is rather "vanilla."

If only Fred could see how far we've come since the original Flintstones car. Ah, progress...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I'm In A Snuggie (The Remix)

I previously mocked the New York Times for writing a piece on the Snuggie. While some would argue that such an article is symptomatic of the degradation of society and not the cause of it, the NYT did little to help the matter as they attempted to discuss in all seriousness the evolution of the Snuggie and its precursors, the Slanket and the Freedom Blanket. The whole article came across as rather ridiculous and did not spend nearly enough time covering the impact of the economy on advertising. The piece would have been much more significant if it would have focused more on how the slowing economy has allowed for products such as the Snuggie and ShamWow to get prime advertising time that would normally be allocated to commercials for Charles Schwab or the new Lexus...

...Ah, the old days before the recession...when people viewed the markets with optimism and had the cash credit to pay a premium for a glorified Camry with a fancy (sorta) label thrown on the trunk...

Well, at least there was some merit (not much though) to that NYT article on the Snuggie. I, However, missed the fact that the NYT ran a second and even more trivial piece on the Snuggie in the Fashion & Style section that same day. Wait, WTF? Read that again in case you missed it the first time. The NYT sent a "journalist" out for a night on the town wearing a Snuggie to see how people would react and then wrote about it in the "fashion" section. This just hurt my head and made me think to myself "...isn't this what jackets are made for?"

You know what they I say about a girl who wears a Snuggie to a bar. Its easy access...from behind.

Actual excerpt from the NYT: The sleeves were useful for holding a wineglass and for attempting yoga poses. But she was frustrated when looking for a place to stash her cellphone. “It would be nice if it had pockets,” she said.
“It’s a blanket with sleeves,” I replied. “What you are talking about is called a jacket.”

There you have it...apparently the NYT and I agree on the fact that jackets are essentially "Snuggies for going out."

Definite signs of the apocalypse:

  • Apparently the NYT idea of wearing a Snuggie out wasn't too far off as there is an emerging trend of Snuggie Pub Crawls.

  • THERE IS NOW A SNUGGIE RAP SONG! Yup, a Denver man, Chris Gregori, used the beat from SNL's brilliant rap song parody "On A Boat" as the basis for his own modern masterpiece, "I'm In A Snuggie" here to download...soon enough they'll be selling 6X Snuggies with Ed Hardy logos at your local Discount Zone gas station...TERRABULL

And now for your moment of Zen...

Laura, this Snuggie thing isn't as fun as it looked on TV.

Oy vey!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Baseball Players Have Funny Names

Baseball has always been amusing to me. I've always thought that the concept of a man with four balls walking was a little odd. Wouldn't so many balls be an impediment to walking? I guess baseball players are just talented like that or maybe the steroids just shrunk their junk. Beyond that it also seems as if baseball not only attracts those with superior athletic juicing skills but also rather entertaining names. Some of these names are just unfortunate birthnames while some were nicknames added to inject some humor into the sport. Without further ado...a few of the most entertaining names in baseball...

The first ones for you, Pat...

Do you think that any of his teams ever had specials on "chili dogs" at their games?

What would Beavis and Butthead say about "Woody" Held playing Shortstop? Huh, huh...

Milton Bradley: Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Best pitcher name ever. Sounds like the baseball counterpart to Colt McCoy. Although the name would lead you to think that the former Tulane star is from Texas, he actually hails from New Jersey. Of course...

With a name like that he seems to have his bases covered when the games over.

Something tells me that these last two are related...

It's probably best that Stubby Clapp stopped at second base, or else there could be...

All it takes is one rusty sword.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

504 Whips: Candy Cars Edition

Even if you think that "...inside peanut butter, outside jelly" is a sandwich reference you've surely seen the Chevy with the butterfly doors or a Cadillac on 22's. These two forms of car customization have become so ubiquitous that every ones seen them at least once, even those people who think "...inside fish sticks, outside tarter sauce..." is something from Long John Silvers. While these trends have been seen across the United States, they are most common in the southeast where they are known as "donks" or "whips."

In New Orleans, however, we are known for taking things to a whole other level. Having Lambo doors and rims so big it makes the car look like its two stories isn't enough in the 504. In the past few years *cough* Katrina *cough* a new trend has emerged in the Crescent City...sticker cars. These cars are modified just like any other tight "whip," but go a step further by being wrapped in custom decals that usually promote a certain product. They kind of look like someone took a NASCAR and said "...throw some D's on that bitch." Commonly seen decal motifs on these rides include candy (ironic), soft drinks cold dranks, cereal, chocolate bars (the snack, not da club) and even alcohol. These "sticker cars" are the latest step in the evolution of pimpin' one's ride.

Next time you're in New Orleans its very possible that you might pull up next to a "sticker car" that can be described as candy on candy. The driver will most likely be grippin' the grain with that seat down low. They probably think they're the only fire that can live in the rain as they roll past you in their ride that's so so New 1825 Tulane...

Courtesy of my peeps at 504 Whips, I bring you some rides that can literally be described as New Orleans' sweetest candy cars...

I see this one traveling the streets of N.O. fairly often. Definately not a lemon.

Skittles: Taste the rainbow, no homo.

Note the front bumper. Was Calvin in Revenge of the Nerds? Because he's goin' R. Kelly on something.

Got candy? Quit fruntin'...I got nothin' else...sorry...moving on...

I wonder if this car's owner is named Mike or Ike. That would be sweet, dude, sweet.

One of the few I haven't seen yet. It reminds me of the corny grandpa/grandchild combo in their old TV commercials though.

Only an airhead would park in a no parking zone, you say? That's just how he rolls...err parks.

Until next time, New Orleans, everybody get your roll on...I've always wanted to say that...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Louisiana Music News

The past week has been a busy one for Louisiana musicians. A new single from New Orleans' premier rockers...the "best rapper alive" playing Scrabble against a well known journalist...3rd Ward's Master P hawking candy bars in a new ad campaign...North Shore's Brit Brit not going batshit crazy...yet.

  • New Orleans rockers Better Than Ezra debuted their new single, "Absolutely Still," from the upcoming album Paper Empire on B97 last week. The single will be available for download on iTunes starting on St. Patrick's Day while the album is scheduled for a May release. Get ready! To preview the song click here and scroll down a bit.

  • Hollygrove's own Lil' Wayne appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week alongside Charlie Gibson. Whats funnier than this odd couple making banter with each other is the skit the two did together. Gibson plays a game of Scrabble against Weezy which is just funny watching an acclaimed journalist play a vocabulary based game against New Orleans' favorite cough syrup addict. Wayne's vocabulary apparently proves triumphant though when he drops the word "CRUNKSWAGGA." Also, watch for the funniest question ever thrown at Charlie Gibson...lets just say I think the journalist learned all kinds of new jargon that evening. Oh, the irony...

  • Snickers has a new advertising campaign featuring a certain rapper who reps that Caliope Project 3rd Ward New Orleans. Yup, after all those years Master P is back and in a Snickers commercial. At least he still knows how to make 'em say UHH. I still can't believe some advertising genius thought that Get Some Bling with Master P-Nut was a good idea.

  • Britney Spears chose to kick off her world tour at the New Orleans Arena. She wanted to kick it off in her hometown of New Orleans...oh, wait...why did she start it in NOLA again? Isn't she from Kentwood, LA? Oh, the words of Chris Rose from the Times-Picayune she did put the "ho" in Tangipahoa...just kidding...or as her fans say "j/k"...At least she's hot again!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Walker: Texas President?

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
It seems like an uncanny coincidence that not only is Chuck Norris celebrating his 69th birthday today but it's also International Day of Awesomeness. Actually, I am clearly forgetting Chuck Norris Fact #310
  • If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

I would like to take this opportunity send Chuck Norris my regards, although he'll probably just roundhouse kick them back to me. Hope you enjoy your 69th (hopefully with Christie Brinkley) and International Awesomeness Day.

And apparently I am forgetting another important Chuck Norris fact that many of us may not have heard yet.

  • Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Although Chuck Norris initially endorsed Republican candidate Mike Huckabee during his run for the GOP's nomination, he apparently saw the mandate that President-elect Barack Obama received from the electorate and allowed him to become the 44th President of the United States. Only fifty days into Obama's administration it seems as if Chuck Norris has seen enough of and lets his views be known in his column entitled I may run for President of Texas on the conservative website World Net Daily. You just can't make up stuff this entertaining. President of Texas? Oh, we go...

Is he crazy for being Chuck or is Chuck just crazy? He's been around and still around like them Geico cavemen.

"I may run for president of Texas. That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state. From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders' vision and government."

In addition to the ideological argument that America is slipping away from its core values, Chuck Norris probably was not amused by this picture that surfaced on the internet...

Wait a minute, you're not Trivette.

But seriously, in the article Chuck highlights how he sees the United States going astray with reckless spending and big government ideas and claims that the conditions are ripe for change. He channels the views of some fringe groups in the Lone Star State that claim that Texas can secede due to a highly debated clause placed in the state's constitution when the once sovereign nation was annexed by the U.S.

"I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it."

"They lost [the Battle of the Alamo], but would provide the inspiration to win the war. Their fighting spirit rallied the new-found republic, and still does to this day. So when you think all is lost in America, remember the Alamo!"

Chuck Norris doesn't remember the Alamo. The Alamo remembers Chuck Norris.

So, Chuck Norris' solution to the growing size of the United States government and its increasing role in the daily lives of Americans is for Texas to secede? And for Chuck Norris to run for the Presidency of the New Republic of Texas? While I don't doubt Chuck Norris' ability to do anything I do feel it necessary for us to examine the logistics and likelihood of these occurrences in the coming days. For right now, though, I'd like to remind everyone of a rumor I heard once...during Chuck Norris' senior year of high school he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

Monday, March 9, 2009

A-Roid Shows His True Colors & Age

While some would expect Alex Rodriquez to be singing the blues in light of his steroid scandal and hip surgery it appears that the Yankee's star is letting his true colors show...

A-Rod loved the appears to be of the orange variety.

Well, maybe not his real color...why is A-Rod looking orange these days? Maybe he's just trying to show pride in his alma mater, the University of Miami, as they play their first season in the newly constructed Alex Rodriguez Park. Put some green dye in this dude's hair and he'll look like a roided out oompa loompa, which would probably be entertaining to watch run around the bases. Someone should probably tell A-Rod that this combination of steroids and fake tanning will age him prematurely. It's only a matter of time before he needs hip surgery...oh, damn...

Despite steroid scandal A-Roid is still getting George Steinbrenner money.

It appears that even though A-Roid looks like he contracted jaundice and has hip problems he's surely not crying the blues. In fact he's laughing all the way to the much so that he wipes his face with $100 bills. BALLIN'

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Thoughts on a Hummer: Do I have a Dirty Mind?

Recently while surfing the net I came across a review of the Hummer H2 published by Siliconeer, a general interest magazine targeting the Asian demographic. Maybe I have a dirty mind but somehow the lead-in picture for this automobile review just seems raunchy.

"As a Mom, I am supposed to be focusing on sedans and minivans, right? Okay, that was the argument I tossed around when I was unwilling to admit the vehicle’s size and width intimidated me somewhat. Well, enough is enough. This Mom has finally decided to take this 81-inch-wide vehicle on." - excerpt from the review
Once I got over being amused by this reviews juvenile sexual puns, I began to think about the decline of the SUV and its affects on the American auto industry. In the 90's the SUV was synonymous with the yuppie culture. For over a decade it was almost as American as mom (hopefully not the one that reviewed that Hummer, though) and Apple Pie. They were the supermarket, soccer practice, cul-de-sacs...rarely off-road though...In recent years, however, SUV sales have been going down faster than a Thai hooker at the Bangkok Spa...yeah, I said it.

Due to rising gas prices and an increasingly environmentally conscious public it has become rather politically incorrect to be seen in one of these beasts of an automobile. Detroit was behind the curve and waited a bit too long to jump off the SUV bandwagon and this lack of vision has only added to the Big Three's financial difficulties. But was it too soon to abandon these decadently large vehicles? I ask this because I think that the Big Three could have pursued a different route in addressing the declining sales of large SUV's.

With GM bringing back the Camaro and Chrysler bringing back the Charger and Challenger it appears that they are targeting a demographic yearning to relive their "glory days" when such nameplates were the king of the road. They are targeting people who are nostalgic for their past...

There is nothing worse than misguided nostalgia.

...but as we all know sometimes we do silly things in our youth and it's fair to say that romanticizing the Camaro and such cars counts as misguided nostalgia. Some things should just be left in the past. There is no need for the reincarnation of these cars and its best for everyone that they remain a piece of America's past and that we let those who just won't let go reflect on them in their little communities (read: trailer parks).

If Ford, GM and Chrysler want to use nostalgia as a means of moving their vehicles maybe they should use practical nostalgia as opposed to misguided romanticism. Let us think about what the Big Three are doing by bringing back "muscle cars" like the Challenger. They are offering to the America consumer heavy cars with relatively large bodies to haul around four people (two people in comfort) while sucking down gas quicker than that aforementioned Thai hooker. If the Big Three wants to sell large cars that guzzle gas wouldn't it be more practical for these vehicles to at least be practical (read: offer utility)?

While these auto makers feel marketing heavy, fuel inefficient cars based on nostalgic value is the way to go then perhaps they should think about utility in these trying times. While the SUV's were not economical, they at least did offer utility and practicality while burning copious amounts of fuel. Perhaps the SUV wasn't the problem and the Big Three jumped off the bandwagon too soon.

With a sinking economy and the American public reflecting kindly on the roaring economy of the 90's, maybe now is the time to bring back large SUV's and sell them on their practical applications. I mean, if you're going to drive a big heavy car that burns holes in the ozone layer as it only gets 12 miles per gallon, then why not have a practical vehicle that seats 7 as opposed to having to shoehorn the kids in the backseat of your Camaro. Not to mention driving with a few of them on your lap as most Camaro owners are known to do. The Big Three should remarket their large SUV's and sell them based upon their practicality and use the nostalgic value of the 90's as a driving force behind the campaign.

Maybe an I Love the 90's type of campaign (we are far enough removed that its not that ludicrous) would help place nostalgic memories in the minds of buyers. Heck, even get a celebrity spokesperson for these ads...a celebrity that the public associates with this time and place and the positive economic climate of the time. Jeez, who could they get that people associate with the "good times" of the 90's that would provide just the right nostalgia to evoke fond memories of the SUV's hey-day?

What better spokesperson for joys of the Hummer? We all know Bill likes 'em big (ex. Monica Lewinsky). And imagine if GM introduced a hybrid version of the Hummer. Clinton could tout the pleasure of keeping up with the Joneses while also showing love for Flowers. Now, that is the kind of nostalgia the Big Three should be trying to evoke.

Oh, and for those of you who think I have a dirty mind...

I love lamp.

Jokes on you, suckas!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

FUPA + Cameltoe = ???

A certain doctor friend of mine, who is equally amused by the FUPA as I am, claimed she wanted to see lots of "GD FUPA" during Mardi Gras...err Carnival (but I won't get sidetracked). I, unfortunately, missed shitshow time with the Doc during Mardi Gras, but we all know that FUPA never gets old. In fact they usually get bigger with time, which just means there's more of them to love. In the vein of last week's Carnival, I decided that the time has finally come to appoint FUPA royalty. Yes, you heard it here first, you are about to be introduced to the first FUPA King and Fupa Queen...

This year's FUPA King is none other than Notre Dame Football Head Coach, Charlie Weis, whose FUPA frquently spreads across the hashmarks in South Bend during practices. The storied program's leader has had his ups and downs with ND Football but this year he finally led his team to a bowl game victory proving that even with a massive and notoriously famous FUPA he can get ahead. Now can he get head? That's probably another story but I don't want to think about it...

And this year's FUPA Queen goes to a notorious litterbug...yes, that's right, Nadya Suleman. Although the octomom lost her pride and sanity long ago and is soon to lose her parent's house (where her and the litter live) to foreclosure she is sure to be left with a Grade 4 to Grade 5 FUPA after pushing eight of those lil' puppies out of her octopu....uh, you get the picture.

Dis is LAGNIAPPE: In case you've ever wondered what happens when you combine a FUPA with a Camel Toe...