Thursday, July 2, 2009

Random Thoughts from the Past Few Weeks

I have kind of been on a posting hiatus here at Baller Bloggin' so I am sure I have disappointed many of my loyal readers (all 3 of you), but I am back with a few thoughts that are going through my mind at the moment. I promise to have more frequent updates through the month of July.

Congrats to the LSU Tigers: 2009 College World Series Champs!

LSU won the CWS and much like in 2008 and 2004 when they won the BCS Football National Championship there were no incidents of rioting. Drunken celebration across the state of Louisiana, but overturning of cars or burning trash cans...which brings me to the topic of that other purple and gold wearing sports team, the Lakers. Why is it that LSU (who everyone says have obnoxious fans) can win title's and spend their night celebrating on Bourbon Street but you guys have to go all April 26, 1992 on the City of Angels?

Celebrities Passing on to that Big Hollywood in the Sky

First, Ed McMahon, then Farrah Fawcet and then Michael Jackson just a few hours later. I literally was thinking to myself "Damn, she's going to get overlooked now that the King of Pop died a few hours after her." We all know celebrity deaths come in 3's and then Billy Mays had to pop up and offer us a 3+1 special bonus a few days later. Of course, Billy Mays' passing was like salt in the wound as he grabbed major headlines and Farrah Fawcet, an actual celebrity, received second billing from the media vultures. I guess timing is everything in life (and death).

I Love My State

Someone decided it was a god idea to let Hurricane Chris rap about Halle Berry inside the Louisiana House of Representatives? AWESOME!



I thought I had seen it all a few months back when they passed the greatest piece of legislation EVER recognizing Lil' Wayne for his achievements and contributions to New Orleans since Katrina: http://legis.state.la.us/billdata/streamdocument.asp?did=647325

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Cash 4 Gold Nuggets.com

With the Denver Nuggets being eliminated from the post season by the Orlando Magic it seems to be an appropriate time for this commercial to appear on Baller Bloggin'.

Friday, May 29, 2009

N.O.-shot 'Labou,' co-starring C. Ray Nagin, out on DVD

Life is kind of like reading the New Orleans Times-Picayune...you never know what you're gonna get. When I opened up this morning's Lagniappe section I was not ready for this. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has done it again...Just when I thought he couldn't top himself.

Excerpt from the T-P (that's the Times-Picayune, not, well, you know...):


In the film, three children get lost in a swamp near New Orleans while hunting for the ghost of a 19th century pirate. During their adventure, they meet the titular swamp creature (whose whistling race -- part Yoda, part Gremlin -- is said to have inspired the birth of jazz music), stumble upon a crooked development deal that can be traced back to City Hall and discover the pirate's treasure.

What a day!

Nagin plays Mayor Adams, New Orleans' corrupt leader, who agrees to seize privately owned land in order to sell it to oil company executives looking for a spot to build a huge refinery, regardless of the effect on the environment. When confronted with revelations about the deal, Mayor Adams responds, "There were offers, but nothing firm was put on the table."


Wait, so Ray Nagin portrays a "fictional" corrupt mayor in this straight to DVD release? and theres pirates? Oh, lawd...This family film was released on May 19 and I will be picking it up ASAP.

Bonus points for the film being "dedicated to the people of New Orleans and their courage to rebuild."

P.S. Do you think at any point in the film our mayor is referred to as 'Curly Head'...if so that would be AWESOME...talk about Baller Blockin'.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Tribute to George Strait

With the airing of the George Strait Tribute on CBS tonight I decided it would be a very appropriate time for this blog to honor the King of Country as well.



The above clip is not a preview from the tribute but rather Matthew McConaughey using his airtime as an award presenter at the Country Music Awards a few months ago to give George Strait a shout out/brag about his own conquests. Nicely done, yet kind of douchey...I approve...I'm also writing that line down for use in the near future...not really...

What good is a tribute without highlights? Of course anyone who knows me already knows where this is going.

Amarillo By Morning: IMHO, the best song of all time and widely hailed as one of the best country songs of all time...I can not begin to describe how much I enjoy this song. It is the perfect country & western song. PERIOD. I can listen to it on repeat for days on end. It should be the National Anthem of Texas...can we work on that?



All My Ex's Live In Texas: I will admit this song is rather hokey, but it's still one of my favorites. It's also amusing considering my past with Texas girls...If you know me you know this song often brings about a few chuckles. In fact this was the ringer on my cell phone for a while in 2007 and well I went over to this girl's house one night (she was from Houston...so she was kind of from Texas) and lets just say I showed her my boots. Well the next morning someone was calling me causing my phone to ring "All My Ex's Live in Texas." Her roommate, who I had hooked up with in college, heard my phone going off through the wall and immediately knew it was me and next thing you know I receive a text saying "Did you spend the night at my house last night?" Uhhhh....Moral of the story is I got lucky that night and also had an amusing morning the next day. Thank you, George.



Adalida: I grew up in Baton Rouge when this song was released and have been a fan ever since. An amazingly well done Cajun two step about a beauty from south Louisiana can be nothing but a winner in my book! King George has been known to kick off some of his tours in Lafayette and New Orleans...He knows whats going on Down Louisiana Way.



I could go on for days about the awesome songs of George Strait (Does Ft. Worth Ever Cross Your Mind, The Chair, How 'Bout Them Cowgirls, Unwound, Drinking Champagne, You Look So Good In Love, Marina Del Ray, The Fireman, Run, Fool Hearted Memory)...the list goes on and on...but I'll stop here for now...

George Strait: The King of Country... 'nuff said

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Sit On My Boxers, Me

Yet another example of why I frequently find myself saying "God, I love the New Orleans news." This clip from early 2008 is classic...



Sounds to me like this legislator wanted to make sure no one on the corner had a swagger like us.

As for State Senator Derrick Shepherd who proposed this ban on sagging pants...well, lets just say he got caught with his pants down, not literally.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Groom arrested at wedding reception in spat over saggy pants

In yet another case of Only in New Orleans, I'm reading nola.com this morning and see this headline: Groom arrested at wedding reception in spat over saggy pants. Of course, my initial reaction to the headline was "Oh, lawd, the ACLU is gonna have fun with this one." So I clicked on the article to see what had happened.

The first paragraph just about sums it up perfectly:

A groom was arrested at his own wedding for disturbing the peace after his nephew violated the dress code with low-riding pants, Kenner police said.

Groom John Lucas learns that the Kenner Police will get involved whether its a nephew, a cousin or a brother with their pants saggin'.

Highlights of the article include:

  • The fact that this incident occurred in Kenner, bruh (a.k.a. Kenna...a.k.a. Kenya...a.k.a. "America's City")
  • "They spent $1,500 on dance lessons and they didn't even get to dance." - two words: white people
  • Wait, they spent how much on dance lessons but they were getting married at Crystal Plantation in Kenna, bruh? Apparently everyone was saved from witnessing the worst Cupid Shuffle/Stanky Leg dance of all time...
  • The officer told Lucas: "We don't want to see your underwear." - they already see too many Ed Hardy logos in Kenna, bruh...its played out
  • "I have beaucoup witnesses. All my cousins and everything said my pants were not sagging." - bahahahaha....oh no he didn't...he definitely dropped the 'beaucoup'
  • But the teen-ager said he was actually asking the police to stop hurting his father, who was hit with pepper spray by police. - someone should tell him to wipe his faaace!
  • Crystal Plantation's owner: "You have in-laws and you have outlaws."

How much do you wanna bet that the nephew with the saggy pants frequents Esplanade Mall with one leg (the stanky one) rolled up on his Adidas track pants and his matching visor cocked to the side? I guarantee he has a Scarface faceplate on his cell phone that rings "Got Money" when his "boo" calls. He pobably drives a mid to late 90's Mustang with mods. That's just how it is in Kenna, bruh!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

New Orleans nabs the 2013 Superbowl


In case any of y'all haven't heard New Orleans was awarded the Super Bowl in 2013!!! It will be our 10th time hosting the event and 7th time at the Louisiana Superdome!!! Today's Times-Picayune has a great piece on the history and significance of our beloved Superdome.

It's a proud day for New Orleans and the state of Louisiana. It seems like a proper time to look back on the first event we held at the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina...the September 25, 2006 game between the New Orleans Saints and the Atlanta (dumpin') Falcons...a 23-3 victory for the Black & Gold was preceeded by what can only be described as an AMAZING pre-game show courtesy of U2, Green Day and Trombone Shorty...This performance still gives me chills...the vibe in New Orleans that day was absolutely surreal.

"The Saints are Coming" live from the Superdome:



To this day this performance is still one of the most played tracks on my iPod and watching this video never seems to get old.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Midget Supremacists = BIGotry

I might be going out on a limb (albet a short one) by saying these lil' guys are BIGots...except they're well little...



All of this midget talk (small talk?) reminds me of a joke I heard in the French Quarter while enjoying a ridiculous Sunday outing with friends...

If I married two midgets would that be bigamy?

Now that is something to think about...

Official Music Video for BTE's "Absolutely Still" is Here

Better Than Ezra's official video for the lead single from Paper Empire, "Absolutely Still," has been released! The video is a little strange yet oddly familiar. I can't place what music video it reminds me of but there are certain stylistic elements that I can almost swear I've seen somewhere else.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Better Than Ezra's Paper Empire is Here!


Paper Empire, the new CD from New Orleans alt-rockers Better Than Ezra hit store shelves/iTunes today!!! Go get your copy ASAP...I'll have a review coming in the next few days as I get a chance to listen to the album some more but my initial impressions are very positive. AOL Music is currently streaming the CD...click here to preview the band's 8th studio album!

Friday, May 1, 2009

I'm In Love With A Cougar

I'm watching TV a few nights ago and my jaw literally dropped when I saw this commercial. It really might be my favorite commercial of all time. Watch for yourself...



Ah, I really do love Cougars and have fallen victim to a few cougar attacks in my day...for every one's sake we'll refrain from the details of the incidents...especially the one that told me she was 29...bahahaha...she was pretty "weathered" for 29...oh, the infamous "pool table at F & M's incident"...those photos are PRICELESS!

This "Cougar" commercial actually reminded me of a post I wrote on a blog I had in college. So, for your entertainment...

Looking For A Car? (circa 2006)

I love cars. I absolutely love cars. If I don’t drive a car for more than a few days I get jittery. Everyone knows this. I have driven lots of different makes and models in my day. I am a big fan of the American and European models, but will never be seen driving an Asian car. Asian cars are just too small and all look the same even though they do give you a lot of bang for you buck. I guess that “20 thousand dolla, make you holla line” applies here. As a person who loves cars and is currently in the market for a new one I wanted to offer my friends some advice when on the car lot and kicking the tires.

When in the market for a car, I recommend always going for the demo model. You are essentially getting a brand new car complete with new car smell and a warranty to protect you in case it starts having problems. You also get the advantage of the engine already being broken in for peak performance and it’s also a little easier to get into the demo model than the brand new model, which will save you if decide to get rid of it. Additionally, the demo model will be a lot cleaner, in better shape and have less stains in the carpet than the used model.

And then there is the certified pre-owned vehicle, otherwise known as a CPO. These models have actually been purchased and used a bit, but must meet certain criteria. Despite their mileage they must meet the highest standards in regards to their condition, shape, cleanliness and reliability based on 100-point inspections. This insures that any issues that may arise from experience with previous drivers are mitigated and in case an issue does arise these vehicles are come with factory warranties to protect you.

I advise the demo model over the CPO, even given some apparent advantages of the CPO. The demo model may have been driven by a few people but was obviously very well taken care of which leads to more customer satisfaction upon purchase. The CPO, however, is still a pre-owned car, and not a demonstration model. The inherent problem in purchasing a pre-owned model is that even if it does meet the 100-point inspection there is still no way to precisely tell without a doubt how the car was treated in the past or if the car may just have some of its own problems that develop over time. These inherent traits of a used vehicle can cause it to have issues that could hound the driver and make you wish you had just put the extra effort for the demo model.

If you do decide to purchase a used car, that isn’t a CPO, be wary. One good thing to always look for is the condition of the tires. Kick them a bit and look at the treads. Are they worn down? Does it look like they have been changing the rubber frequently? Operating an automobile that currently has bad treads can cause one to hit a wet spot, spin off the highway and have an accident that could change your life forever, which is why you should purchase an extended warranty that will always bail you out, or at least get AAA so you’re not left stranded on the side of the road. Check maintenance logs if you can because a car that doesn’t have fresh rubber has not been well maintained. If the maintenance records show that the car was frequently driven on worn out rubber be wary as it could have had a few accidents in its day. The effects of these accidents may not be apparent immediately, but they were probably messy and issues could arise further down the road.

And always remember, there is nothing wrong with giving any car a one time test drive, just be careful when changing gears at high speeds, if you drop the clutch and miss a shift you could stall out, which is always embarrassing.

You may be wondering what I currently drive. I drive a Jeep Wrangler, purchased as a low mileage demo model, of course. With all the models out there how did I choose the Wrangler? Well, its little, fun and likes to be driven roughly. It’s definitely a car that likes to get dirty. They are known for being very top heavy and having a tendency to roll-over, but they are also most fun with the top off. Jeeps are an American classic because what guy doesn’t want to drive a car that likes it rough and is so much fun with its top off.

***Note: I was speaking of my second Wrangler. I traded in the '03 for an '04 demo...I wanted a newer model with bigger tires...Unfortunately, I am no longer a Jeep driver...I rolled the last one over one too many times, apparently...TERRIBLE...

Until next time let not your face be wiped...I'm heading out for a night of Cougar hunting...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

TXTS FRM LST NGHT

As a member of Gen-tXt (defined as aged 11 - that age where arthritis makes those QWERTY buttons annoying little whippersnappers) I have recently found myself highly amused by the new website TXTS FRM LST NGHT. Also being a connoisseur of area codes (I took that old Ludacris song a little too much to heart, apparently) I was even more entertained when I saw this text and realized what area code it came from...

(201): she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.

Ah, 201...New Jersey, you never cease to amaze me...but you know what they say...


Jersey also provided a few other gems that I couldn't help but be amazed by...

(201): remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.

and den...

(201): whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc

Jersey isn't alone in perpetuating geographic stereotypes through their texts though...Courtesy of the 817 a.k.a. Ft. Worth, TX...

(817): She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
(1-817): OMG. What did u say?
(817): I told her I did too.


...sometimes you really do need to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em...and then you have the Massholes...

(508): you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
(978): I guess I misjudged your gender.


And then you have Los Angeles...

(949): With my blond hair and big tits getting ass is like fishing in a bathtub

I'm assuming she meant its easy because a bathtub is relatively small which would make fishing easier, but doesn't she realize there aren't fish in most bathtubs? Never mind, I read her self-description again...Maybe she meant crabbing?...and another gem courtesy of L.A...

(818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.

And then you have the hippies down in Austin...

(512): uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.

Until next time don't let your face be wiped, unless your texts are showing up on TXTS FRM LST NGHT.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Snakes on a Plane, Pirates and Teabagging

Has anyone watched the news lately? The past few weeks headlines have been filled with some pretty ridiculous headlines. There must be something in the water because watching the news has made me feel like we're actually going backwards as a society. You really just can't make this kind of stuff up. In case any of you missed the absurdity going on in the world...

Real snakes on a plane force grounding - There's really not much else to say about this one...

The Sequel to the original we all know and love...Snakes On A Plano starring Walker Texas Ranger

And then there were the Somali Pirates that captured an American flagged vessel...Am I the only one that couldn't hear them talk about pirates without chuckling a little bit? I mean, pirates are pretty funny...I am just hoping that certain sports franchises that have pirates as their mascot change their logos to reflect the modern day pirates. Take East Carolina University for instance...

Protect your booty, the Pirates are coming.

Speaking of Piracy, weren't those guys from Metallica the leaders of the anti piracy crusade against Napster back in the day? I wonder where James Hetfield was during this pirate standoff?

Metallica: From Heavy Metal to Light Italian Silk

Shopping at the Armani store? Funny how he's against piracy when it affects his own pocketbook but not when lives are actually endangered. Didn't Metallica have an album entitled ...And Justice for All? I'm not positive, but I think so...I'm going to go download it in a bit to find out...

Now on to the Tax Day Tea Parties held to protest out of control governmental spending. Nancy Pelosi claimed that these parties were not "grass root" efforts, but rather "astro turf" efforts led by rich Republicans. Hmm...Didn't President Obama get elected by a real "grass roots" campaign...led by Hollywood and Oprah? No big money involved there.

But then things got messy (pun intended) when certain media outlets decided to turn the protests into a dirty joke about TEABAGGING...mature guys, really mature...In case any of you are unfamiliar with the term...

I am left wondering if these media outlets actually grasped what "teabagging" really means as was made clear when "intellectual" Janeane Garofalo spoke her mind on the Tax Day Tea Parties:

"That is nothing but a bunch of teabagging rednecks. And there is no way around that. And you know, you can tell these type of right wingers anything and they’ll believe it, except the truth."

Umm, if the right-wingers are teabaggers, doesn't that make her and the other left-wingers the teabagged? Just saying...Not only was this an immature attack but it was also misguided on many levels, unless she's into that sort of thing but well most would agree its better to be the teabagger than the teabagged.

Until next time let not your face be wiped, unless you're Janeane Garofalo being teabagged.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

We'll Miss You, John Madden

John Madden's retirement is leaving NFL fans to wonder who will state the painfully obvious now? Madden's insight into the game will be hard to rival...how else would we have learned that the team with the most points at the end of the game is generally the winner? While his understanding of the game was unquestioned (how could it be?), we must not forget his other contributions to broadcasting. Madden's appetite frequently made for comedic genius. I'll never forget watching him cover a San Diego Chargers game (as a commentator, not literally covering it) when they cut to a shot of a local restaurant serving fish tacos. Madden was quick to note that he just wasn't comfortable eating a fish taco, which led me to believe that he rarely wipes his face. But more importantly John Madden made the turduken a household name and not merely something that your crazy relatives from the bayou serve up on Thanksgiving.

Mmm...Turducken...It gives you the meat sweats.

And then there were the Maddenisms which became part of the NFL's lexicon. More often than not they were words of praise directed towards Madden's favorite football player, Brett Favre. The happiness that Madden would exude when calling Favre a "gunslinger" or a "riverboat gambler" is the kind of pure joy usually reserved for the fat kid on the playground providing his commentary to the childlike antics of his friends from the neighborhood as he eats chicken turducken and watches them play. Oh, wait...

It seems like once Brett Favre left the game, Madden waited it out a little to make sure it was fo sho this time and then finally realized that Brett Favre had actually retired this time. Madden just couldn't go on anymore without the man, the myth, the legend in his life.

Favre walking away after sending the heartbreaking text message to Madden.

With the original gunslinger/riverboat gambler leaving football forever, Madden had lost all hope of his dreams coming true.

Madden's dreams of a "bromance" with Brett Favre were crushed. The people of Kiln, MS probably wouldn't have approved anyway.

Madden was apparently devastated about Favre's departure, but someone else was even more crushed about Madden's departure.

Romo: Why must it be this way? John Madden once said that I'm the kind of kind that can walk into a bar, shoot he 8-ball in the pocket, pick up my money and leave. Will anyone ever love me like he loved me?

Yup, that's right...Tony Romo thinks that Madden is a "big meanie" for leaving broadcasting. Who else is going to compare him to the legendary Brett Favre. It sure won't be Troy Aikman. Looks like Romo's going to have to find another cheerleader this season, but who would be silly enough to praise this guy?

Even Jessica Simpson knows that's not how the game is played.

Oh, lawd...here we go again...

Until next time let not your face be wiped, unless you're eating a turducken.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Don't Tax Me, Bro

Or as they say in Kenner, "Don't tax me, bruh."

Thought of the day: "A friend is one who takes you to lunch even if you're not tax deductable." - anonymous

Photo courtesy of the San Antonio Express-News, not the New Orleans Times-Picayune.

Until next time let not your face be wiped unless, of course, you're Tim Geitner.

New Orleans: Where We Breed Real Rappers

While reading nola.com Thursday night I noticed an article entitled Lil Wayne saved by alert off duty cop. I immediately clicked on it and was relieved to learn that it was not breaking news but that it was a human (although Wayne doe claim to be a martian) interest story of sorts about how The Best Rapper Alive's life was saved when he accidentally shot himself wen he was 12. While I knew about Lil' Wayne's gun accident when he was even littler, I didn't know of the heroics that this NOPD officer displayed in saving the young Wayne.


Lil' Wayne's been shot twice but he don't walk with a limp.

When this article really became ridiculous to me was when I read the print version the next morning. THE ARTICLE WAS THE FEATURE STORY--FRONT PAGE OF THE TIMES-PICAYUNE! Now, I love Lil' Wayne as much as the next peep, but damn...must have been a slow news day...didn't this event occur in 1994?...I mean I felt like it was Grammy week again (the week of the Awards show, not hell week at a certain sorority house at Tulane) when Weezy F. Baby was on the front page for three consecutive days. Bonus points to the Times-Picayune for using the term "wheezing" to describe Wayne's agony after accidentally shooting himself. If only Lil' Wayne had been saved by a lady cop. Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh-wee...

And then yesterday the local news covered a story than can only be described by saying "Only in New Orleans."

C-Murder joins with ministers to announce anti-violence initiatives

Matching your teeth with your glasses. Very GQ.

Yup, that's right...No Limit rapper and Master P's brother (literally, not figuratively), C-Murder, who is accused of murder is on a crusade against violence in New Orleans.

The highlight of the article on C-Murder hosting an anti-crime press conference has to be this:

Rapper Corey Miller, also known as C-Murder, holds a press conference in Kenner on Tuesday. Because he is under house arrest, he spoke from just inside the doorway.

Until next time let not your face be wiped unless, of course, its a Tuesday or a Thursday in which case you better watch for the sweep.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Stereotypes of Texas Universities

There used to be a great website that published satirical summaries of the stereotypes associated with all the universities in Texas. Some of the descriptions provided were hilarious yet slightly exaggerated but as we all know there is usually at least a grain of truth to a stereotype. Someone should really make one of these based on Louisiana's universities (there is some great material).

I decided to offer you an abridged version of the now defunct web site's take on who attends certain schools in Texas. I added some pictures to the text to add to the satire and edited out a lot of the colleges because, well, who cares about Sul Ross State? If you must view the whole list there is now a facebook group dedicated to these college stereotypes. Below are the highlights.

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

The Longhorns most famous cheerleader: Matthew McConaughey.

I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I also really hate Chris Simms. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious.
I am a Longhorn.

TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY

Texas A & M: World renowned for providing an 'intimate' classroom setting.

I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's ass. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone can in my battalion. I beat up faggots, fish, and hunt for fun. If I'm not yelling, drinking with my battalion, or beating up faggots for fun, I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to t.u. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas in college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT t.u. if I want.
I am an Aggie.

BAYLOR UNIVERSITY

Sic 'em Bears: Finally hoping for some penetration in the red zone after all those years.

I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolest thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can coordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have a radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model.
I am a Bear.

I worked my butt off in high school to get in here and am fully paying for my expensive education with scholarships, or else my Mommy and Daddy went here and they're paying for it all and I only got in because they both made some calls. We're the oldest institution of higher learning in the state, yet we've always sucked at football. Its ok, we're just paying our way to be in the Big 12. The only teams that win anything are the baseball team and women's lacrosse but even that’s a little too dyke-ish for the rest of the Baptist General Convention. We tell our parents we go to church on Sunday mornings, but really we all get up, get dressed and go to IHOP. Our veins are pumped of Dr. Pepper and we're always wearing a school shirt that some frat or club or dance or 11 o'clock MWF class made. And mandatory Chapel? What is this, communism? It's ok though I guess; I only came here to find a spouse; however it's harder than I thought with the visitation hours being 1 pm to 6 pm every day, so I just date one hall at a time. I go to Baylor, where a '95 silver Accord is actually considered the nicest car driven by a faculty member and the ghetto-est car driven by a student. I am a Bear.

TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY

Bobby Knight: You'd go crazy, too, if you had to spend that much time in Lubbock.

I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live - so I trek to the strip, which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I don't go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything. Not even class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's ass points to College Station. I fry cow balls. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high. And what the hell is that smell?
I am a Red Raider.

TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY

Can this shirt be ordered in burnt orange?

I am in a fraternity or sorority of course. I drive a big-ass Tahoe (if I'm a guy), a BMW (if I'm less of a guy), or a Land Rover (if I'm a girl). If I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I used to wear my diamonds and heels for football games, but things have changed. Now it's a purple tube top with my Louis Vuitton handbag. School spirit! Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub during the week or Snookies on Sundays. We are having a J. Crew built in the bookstore next year and our send-home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is 4 to 1; where the girls are girls, and so are the guys.
I'm a Frog.

SOUTHERN METHODIST UNIVERSITY

SMU Mustangs: Pony up!

See the listing for Texas Christian University above...change 'Hulen' to 'Mockingbird'.
I'm a Mustang.

We are Baylor times TCU to the third power. I have more money than you could ever dream about. Abercrombie and Fitch? I don't think so, my line is strictly custom made from Gucci. The Galleria? I think I own it, or most of it at least. My idea of a good time is traveling down Mockingbird in my 2003 BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Range Rover, or whichever of my cars I decide to drive; either I'm on my way to my $700k condo, or to my fraternity or sorority house that has dues higher than your college's tuition. Our football team? Oh it's okay they suck, they are all real cute, and their daddies own Fortune 500 companies. A&M and UT? My family would have died if I had ever considered one of those to educate me. Don't worry, just because Baylor has more net worth than SMU doesn't mean my mom and dad don't have more net worth than Baylor. Where the girls are Barbies and the boys are Kens, there's only room for Greeks and the gorgeous. Have great fear for I am a Mustang.

SOUTHWEST TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY

I tried to get into a real school, but couldn't. I spend most weekends tubing down the river in New Braunfels drunk and/or high and naked, or getting drunk and acting like an idiot in Luckenbach.
I'm a Bobcat.

a few updates...
We are now called Texas State University because we want to pretend we are a big school like UT or A&M by taking out the "southwest" part. Oh yeah, San Marcos sucks unless you are a cheerleader, apparently they are national champions, so you have to party in Austin or San Antonio. We USED to be the #1 party school in the nation, or at least that's what people in Texas think. Who's heard of SWT anywhere but Texas? Why would the Princeton Review even care? We are still the Bobcats, but our mascot is a "Supercat." Whatever.

oh by the way, our Renegade Rugby team will DESTROY yours

TRINITY UNIVERSITY

I live in a town so Mexican that we cancel classes at 3:00 pm every day to take a siesta. My parents have money. I'm in a fraternity or sorority. Dorks are allowed. I was really smart in high school. I was kind of weird too. Our mascot is the Tiger because everything else in Texas was taken. I watch football games from my dorm balcony. Far West is the place to be. I don't steal because I own everything. I have had my SUV here at school since my freshman year. I have a papasan chair in my room. My tuition is so high that both grandfathers had to go fight for more GI Bills to pay for it. I probably have a scholarship too. I'm not originally from Texas. Who is the governor of Texas right now? I will probably move to the mid-west after graduation. Longhorns are slackers. What's an Aggie? Sea World? We have a Sea World?? I went to Six Flags Fiesta my senior year when I visited the school. Haven't been back since. I've tried drugs but never got hooked. Homosexuality is way okay. I used to be Presbyterian, until the school dropped the covenant, now I don't really go to church. War is not cool, but I guess it doesn't matter, as long as I don't have to go to boot camp.
I'm a Tiger.

ST. MARY'S UNIVERSITY

I go to a university smaller than your high school. Despite what you may have heard about Catholics, we are freaks. I have never met so many pot heads in my life. We wake up high, we go to class high, and we go to sleep high. If we aren't high we are drunk or rolling. I drink more beer than water. My saving grace is the toilet. I blackout for extended periods of time several nights a week. My friends tell me the next day about the striptease I did at the party the night before that I can't remember. I think of cigarettes, coffee, Cheetos and ramen noodles as being the new food groups. We are spoiled brats. Our mascot is the Rattler but we don't really care because we don't even have a football team. Oh yeah, and our school is in San Antonio. I bet you didn't know that.
I am a Rattler.

BLINN COLLEGE

I live in a town that glorifies Aggies and all I want in life is to be one myself. Instead, I am a Buccaneer at Blinn that claims to be an Aggie at heart. I party at A&M, my friends that I followed to College Station go to A&M, and I attend all the A&M games, but my lack of intelligence and motivation has hindered me in officially joining the cult of A&M. Even though the town we live in is uber-conservative, we all know that everyone here is a closet freak. I have a Confederate Flag on the back of my pickup truck along with a gun rack so as to make sure that I am not labeled "queer." Too bad I will probably just transfer to a community college in my hometown after I have finished the first two years here at Blinn.
I am an Aggie, er, Buccaneer.

RICE UNIVERSITY

In 2005 Rice Football held the record for the third longest losing streak in the history of college ball. The streak was broken when they played my alma mater, Tulane. Can we play the Katrina card on that?

I live in the fourth biggest city in the country, yet I can go weeks without leaving campus. Even when I do leave, it takes 30 minutes to go get gas, and an hour to move a mile on the 45 or the 59. I was either a dork in high school and am still a dork, or I was a dork in high school and now i pretend to be cool. If asked where I'm from, I respond with my college and not my hometown. To relieve stress I run around campus naked twice a month. If I go to the library at midnight, there's a good chance I might not be able to find a free computer, in which case I can always just go to the pub. The pub is heaven on earth. I worship the baseball team, play drinking games in class, and firmly believe that Martel is not a college. I was a pre-med until orgo made me its two semester bitch, now i'm an academ. Beer bike is the biggest event of the year, yet 90% of people pass out before the races even begin. I think it's cool to cuss at the top of my lungs and call it a cheer. Even drunk or stoned, I'm still smarter than you.
I am an Owl.

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AT SAN ANTONIO

TEX(T)-MEX? No bueno.

I live in a town with Mexicans and Hispanics...and Mexicans. I go to school here because I was either too stupid or too poor to attend a real college. We have parking lots that rival the acerage of Rhode Island, and our designers have yet to discover the amazing structural technology called a parking garage. Our scenery is nonexistent, except for the downtown campus, which has a lovely view of the jail and a police substation. Everyone commutes, and honestly, The University of Phoenix Online has more social interaction among the students than we do.
I am a Roadrunner.

Until next time let not your face be wiped...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Baseball Players Have Funny Names Pt. 2

Baseball season is upon us and with any luck this season won't disappoint, unless of course if you're a Braves or Cubs fan in which case I shouldn't have to tell you what to expect. As some of you may remember, a few weeks back I highlighted a few players with amusing/unfortunate names that I though you might find entertaining. After finding out that the San Francisco Giants chose these ads for their 2009 campaign I decided I had to revive the post...

Let's Play With Balls of Fire? Damn, they must have hooked up with her, too. Explains why baseball players scratch themselves so much though.

But, now to the reason you're here...other than being bored...more Major League players with minorly amusing names...

How did this guy not land his own cereal?

Catfish Hunter? You're doing it wrong, buddy!

He was good at placing his fingers on the seams. That's what she said!

Not much to say about this one.

Rollie Fingers has quite a molestache.

Redundant much?

Until next time, let not your face be wiped unless you have balls of fire in which case you're probably already sweatin' a little.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dallas & Driving Don't Mix

While doing my normal morning routine of reading useless crap on the internet a few days ago I noticed a disturbing trend on one of my favorite car sites, Jalopnik. I don't know what was in the air in Dallas last week but they had some amusing incidents involving cars. I guess it should come as no surprise that the home of the $30,000 millionaire would have stuff like this happen, but damn.

First I saw this gem and could do nothing else but attempt to picture the driver of the vehicle. The mental image was highly entertaining.

Apparently, the driver didn't realize the construction crew just finished pouring cement on the road," Bristol said, adding that the car drove into a work area clearly marked by signs and cones. The driver had to be helped out of the car because the vehicle was completely surrounded by wet pavement.
Just enough credit to drive a late model Benz, not enough intelligence to realize you can't drive it through wet cement. Very $30,000 Millionaire of you.

I should have been amused enough by the above story to close out Internet Explorer and go on with my day. Unfortunately it was still way too early in the AM to be productive so I continued reading. It was worth it...There isn't too much you can say about an article with this headline.

Drunk Driver Parks Ferrari on Tracks, Calls 911, Watches it Explode

Click below to hear the 911 call. Be prepared to be disturbed/infuriated.



Until next time, let not your face be wiped...unless, of course, you park your Mercedes in wet cement or your Ferrari on railroad tracks, in which case you are probably already wiping your face.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Rutgers Is In The House and It's Like Where's Waldo

We all know that universities are proud of the accomplishments of their alumni, students and faculty.

The Ivy League schools pride themselves in the number of United States Presidents they have educated and often boast about their world renowned faculty that are at the forefront of their respective fields of study.

SEC schools like to tout the accomplishments of their football programs and their school pride that is inherently linked to these athletic accomplishments.

And then we have Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey. With an enrollment of over 50,000 students (that's a lot of hair gel) you'd assume this institution would have lots of notable alums...other than Nobel laureate economist Milton Friedman I am struggling to point out anything else of note relating to Rutgers.

Until now...It's your time to shine, SUNJ. Rutgers has just set the Guinness world record for most Waldos in a room at once at 1,052.


Rutgers is a world leader is gathering people dressed as Waldo in one room at one time. Congrats!

Until next time, let not your face be wiped, unless you're a Rutgers student dressed as Waldo.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Texas: It’s Like a Whole Other Country


A few weeks ago I wrote a bit about how Chuck Norris (aka Walker, Texas Ranger) is growing frustrated with the growing size of the United States government and feels that the U.S. is on the wrong path. Chuck, taking Texas' tourism slogan a little too literally, even went as far as to claim that if Texas were to secede he would run for President of Texas. While some may dismiss Chuck Norris' words as crazy talk, I wouldn't advise doing so as the resulting roundhouse kick to the face could leave you wiping said face for a while.

I was left pondering some questions stemming from Chuck Norris' intent to run for President of Texas. Some of the questions were fairly obvious. For instance, would the Dallas Cowboys still be America's Team? Although they haven't really held that title in over a decade anyway so I guess the point is moot. Also, what would happen with Houston? I mean its not really Texas, anyway, never was. I guess they'd just partition it off, further solidifying its role as the New Jersey of the South. Lastly, since Lone Star Beer is the "National Beer of Texas" does that mean that they can finally start brewing the stuff in San Antonio again? Also if Texas were to actually be its own country would those of us who live in southern Louisiana and the Gulf Coast need to have passports to evacuate during hurricane season?

While some of the questions that ran through my head were rather silly, some were also serious. As a former student of political science I couldn't help but think that Chuck Norris should conduct a public opinion poll to see how people in Texas felt about being their own country.
Apparently Texans think that the rest of the people in the U.S. are Canadians, eh?

Chuck Norris doesn't need to conduct public opinion polls as he can merely think of any given population and synthesize a random sample with a margin of error of 0%. Using these scientific polling techniques it becomes clear that Texans already view themselves as another country. But, then I thought to myself, if Texas were to become its own country, would Chuck Norris be the right man from the job? I know I'm crazy for questioning the ability of Chuck Norris but it is a fair question even in a Chucktatorship. So I decided that we should see where Chuck Norris stands on several hot button issues that he would be facing if he were to ever become the President of Texas.

On Climate Change

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

On Fixing the Recession of '09

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

On Evolution

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.

On Foreign Policy

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

On Streamlining the IRS Tax Code

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Ask not what you can do for Chuck Norris. Ask what Chuck Norris can do for you.

On "Enemy Combatants"

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

On Stem Cell Research

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

On Reducing America's Dependency on Foreign Oil

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

On Gun Control

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

On the Constitution

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

On Cutting Bureaucratic Red Tape

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

On Stopping Blood Diamond Proliferation

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

On Military Spending

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

On Sweeping New Financial Ethics Reforms

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

On the Media

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.


On the Separation of Chuck and State

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

On the Drug War

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

On Helping the Blind

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

On Wildfires

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

On Extra Terrestrial Life

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

On Parking Violations

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

On the Kennedy Assassination

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


...and lets not forget that while Chuck Norris has many skills, the most well known being his roundhouse kick to the face, he has one oft overlooked talent...

...that's right...Chuck Norris has Nun Chuck skills...

Until next time, let not your face be wiped.

504 Whips: Rolling for Cereal Edition

A few weeks back I wrote about the "sticker car" trend that has been growing in popularity in New Orleans and posted some pictures of these 504 Whips with candy motifs. While I don't personally have such a passion for any particular kind of candy enough to have my car painted to reflect it, I do understand that some people think that candy is one hell of a snack and want to share this with others...at least its more entertaining than a drab car with a white powder coat paint job right? I get it...some people really love the candy.

I, however, am completely perplexed by another one of the popular themes popping up on these custom "sticker cars." I remember the first time I saw the Frosted Flakes car on Canal Street. All I could think to myself was how much I wanted to go up to the driver and say "Damn, man, you must really like Frosted Flakes." Then I realized that I was stealing a Dane Cook line and refrained from saying anything...although I'm sure Dane Cook borrowed the line from someone else. Anyway...I can't explain exactly how any cereal can be special enough to make your car into a cereal box on rims but it provides me with some amusing eye candy when I'm cruising the streets of New Orleans. So, without further adieu...the second installment of 504 Whips...The Cereal Killers...err I guess Cereal Lovers? Eh, whatever lets examine how some are Rolling for Cereal...grab yourself a bowl and enjoy...add some sugar if you'd like but its counterproductive if you ask me...

Who all seen the Leprechaun say YEAH.

I think he knows where the gold at. Apparently its in the 9th Ward.

Frosty: The taste adults have grown to love.

Note the Wendy's in the background. If you're from New Orleans you recognize this location.


Raisin Bran: Two Scoops One Bowl?

Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!

While I like Corn Flakes, some would say this one is rather "vanilla."


If only Fred could see how far we've come since the original Flintstones car. Ah, progress...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I'm In A Snuggie (The Remix)

I previously mocked the New York Times for writing a piece on the Snuggie. While some would argue that such an article is symptomatic of the degradation of society and not the cause of it, the NYT did little to help the matter as they attempted to discuss in all seriousness the evolution of the Snuggie and its precursors, the Slanket and the Freedom Blanket. The whole article came across as rather ridiculous and did not spend nearly enough time covering the impact of the economy on advertising. The piece would have been much more significant if it would have focused more on how the slowing economy has allowed for products such as the Snuggie and ShamWow to get prime advertising time that would normally be allocated to commercials for Charles Schwab or the new Lexus...

...Ah, the old days before the recession...when people viewed the markets with optimism and had the cash credit to pay a premium for a glorified Camry with a fancy (sorta) label thrown on the trunk...

Well, at least there was some merit (not much though) to that NYT article on the Snuggie. I, However, missed the fact that the NYT ran a second and even more trivial piece on the Snuggie in the Fashion & Style section that same day. Wait, WTF? Read that again in case you missed it the first time. The NYT sent a "journalist" out for a night on the town wearing a Snuggie to see how people would react and then wrote about it in the "fashion" section. This just hurt my head and made me think to myself "...isn't this what jackets are made for?"

You know what they I say about a girl who wears a Snuggie to a bar. Its easy access...from behind.

Actual excerpt from the NYT: The sleeves were useful for holding a wineglass and for attempting yoga poses. But she was frustrated when looking for a place to stash her cellphone. “It would be nice if it had pockets,” she said.
“It’s a blanket with sleeves,” I replied. “What you are talking about is called a jacket.”

There you have it...apparently the NYT and I agree on the fact that jackets are essentially "Snuggies for going out."

Definite signs of the apocalypse:

  • Apparently the NYT idea of wearing a Snuggie out wasn't too far off as there is an emerging trend of Snuggie Pub Crawls.

  • THERE IS NOW A SNUGGIE RAP SONG! Yup, a Denver man, Chris Gregori, used the beat from SNL's brilliant rap song parody "On A Boat" as the basis for his own modern masterpiece, "I'm In A Snuggie"...click here to download...soon enough they'll be selling 6X Snuggies with Ed Hardy logos at your local Discount Zone gas station...TERRABULL

And now for your moment of Zen...

Laura, this Snuggie thing isn't as fun as it looked on TV.

Oy vey!