We'll Miss You, John Madden

John Madden's retirement is leaving NFL fans to wonder who will state the painfully obvious now? Madden's insight into the game will be hard to rival...how else would we have learned that the team with the most points at the end of the game is generally the winner? While his understanding of the game was unquestioned (how could it be?), we must not forget his other contributions to broadcasting. Madden's appetite frequently made for comedic genius. I'll never forget watching him cover a San Diego Chargers game (as a commentator, not literally covering it) when they cut to a shot of a local restaurant serving fish tacos. Madden was quick to note that he just wasn't comfortable eating a fish taco, which led me to believe that he rarely wipes his face. But more importantly John Madden made the turduken a household name and not merely something that your crazy relatives from the bayou serve up on Thanksgiving.

Mmm...Turducken...It gives you the meat sweats.

And then there were the Maddenisms which became part of the NFL's lexicon. More often than not they were words of praise directed towards Madden's favorite football player, Brett Favre. The happiness that Madden would exude when calling Favre a "gunslinger" or a "riverboat gambler" is the kind of pure joy usually reserved for the fat kid on the playground providing his commentary to the childlike antics of his friends from the neighborhood as he eats chicken turducken and watches them play. Oh, wait...

It seems like once Brett Favre left the game, Madden waited it out a little to make sure it was fo sho this time and then finally realized that Brett Favre had actually retired this time. Madden just couldn't go on anymore without the man, the myth, the legend in his life.

Favre walking away after sending the heartbreaking text message to Madden.

With the original gunslinger/riverboat gambler leaving football forever, Madden had lost all hope of his dreams coming true.

Madden's dreams of a "bromance" with Brett Favre were crushed. The people of Kiln, MS probably wouldn't have approved anyway.

Madden was apparently devastated about Favre's departure, but someone else was even more crushed about Madden's departure.

Romo: Why must it be this way? John Madden once said that I'm the kind of kind that can walk into a bar, shoot he 8-ball in the pocket, pick up my money and leave. Will anyone ever love me like he loved me?

Yup, that's right...Tony Romo thinks that Madden is a "big meanie" for leaving broadcasting. Who else is going to compare him to the legendary Brett Favre. It sure won't be Troy Aikman. Looks like Romo's going to have to find another cheerleader this season, but who would be silly enough to praise this guy?

Even Jessica Simpson knows that's not how the game is played.

Oh, lawd...here we go again...

Until next time let not your face be wiped, unless you're eating a turducken.

Baseball Players Have Funny Names Pt. 2

Baseball season is upon us and with any luck this season won't disappoint, unless of course if you're a Braves or Cubs fan in which case I shouldn't have to tell you what to expect. As some of you may remember, a few weeks back I highlighted a few players with amusing/unfortunate names that I though you might find entertaining. After finding out that the San Francisco Giants chose these ads for their 2009 campaign I decided I had to revive the post...

Let's Play With Balls of Fire? Damn, they must have hooked up with her, too. Explains why baseball players scratch themselves so much though.

But, now to the reason you're here...other than being bored...more Major League players with minorly amusing names...

How did this guy not land his own cereal?

Catfish Hunter? You're doing it wrong, buddy!

He was good at placing his fingers on the seams. That's what she said!

Not much to say about this one.

Rollie Fingers has quite a molestache.

Redundant much?

Until next time, let not your face be wiped unless you have balls of fire in which case you're probably already sweatin' a little.

Baseball Players Have Funny Names

Baseball has always been amusing to me. I've always thought that the concept of a man with four balls walking was a little odd. Wouldn't so many balls be an impediment to walking? I guess baseball players are just talented like that or maybe the steroids just shrunk their junk. Beyond that it also seems as if baseball not only attracts those with superior athletic juicing skills but also rather entertaining names. Some of these names are just unfortunate birthnames while some were nicknames added to inject some humor into the sport. Without further ado...a few of the most entertaining names in baseball...

The first ones for you, Pat...

Do you think that any of his teams ever had specials on "chili dogs" at their games?

What would Beavis and Butthead say about "Woody" Held playing Shortstop? Huh, huh...

Milton Bradley: Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Best pitcher name ever. Sounds like the baseball counterpart to Colt McCoy. Although the name would lead you to think that the former Tulane star is from Texas, he actually hails from New Jersey. Of course...

With a name like that he seems to have his bases covered when the games over.

Something tells me that these last two are related...

It's probably best that Stubby Clapp stopped at second base, or else there could be...

All it takes is one rusty sword.

A-Roid Shows His True Colors & Age

While some would expect Alex Rodriquez to be singing the blues in light of his steroid scandal and hip surgery it appears that the Yankee's star is letting his true colors show...

A-Rod loved the juice...it appears to be of the orange variety.

Well, maybe not his real color...why is A-Rod looking orange these days? Maybe he's just trying to show pride in his alma mater, the University of Miami, as they play their first season in the newly constructed Alex Rodriguez Park. Put some green dye in this dude's hair and he'll look like a roided out oompa loompa, which would probably be entertaining to watch run around the bases. Someone should probably tell A-Rod that this combination of steroids and fake tanning will age him prematurely. It's only a matter of time before he needs hip surgery...oh, damn...

Despite steroid scandal A-Roid is still getting George Steinbrenner money.

It appears that even though A-Roid looks like he contracted jaundice and has hip problems he's surely not crying the blues. In fact he's laughing all the way to the bank...so much so that he wipes his face with $100 bills. BALLIN'