Monday, March 30, 2009

Texas: It’s Like a Whole Other Country

A few weeks ago I wrote a bit about how Chuck Norris (aka Walker, Texas Ranger) is growing frustrated with the growing size of the United States government and feels that the U.S. is on the wrong path. Chuck, taking Texas' tourism slogan a little too literally, even went as far as to claim that if Texas were to secede he would run for President of Texas. While some may dismiss Chuck Norris' words as crazy talk, I wouldn't advise doing so as the resulting roundhouse kick to the face could leave you wiping said face for a while.

I was left pondering some questions stemming from Chuck Norris' intent to run for President of Texas. Some of the questions were fairly obvious. For instance, would the Dallas Cowboys still be America's Team? Although they haven't really held that title in over a decade anyway so I guess the point is moot. Also, what would happen with Houston? I mean its not really Texas, anyway, never was. I guess they'd just partition it off, further solidifying its role as the New Jersey of the South. Lastly, since Lone Star Beer is the "National Beer of Texas" does that mean that they can finally start brewing the stuff in San Antonio again? Also if Texas were to actually be its own country would those of us who live in southern Louisiana and the Gulf Coast need to have passports to evacuate during hurricane season?

While some of the questions that ran through my head were rather silly, some were also serious. As a former student of political science I couldn't help but think that Chuck Norris should conduct a public opinion poll to see how people in Texas felt about being their own country.
Apparently Texans think that the rest of the people in the U.S. are Canadians, eh?

Chuck Norris doesn't need to conduct public opinion polls as he can merely think of any given population and synthesize a random sample with a margin of error of 0%. Using these scientific polling techniques it becomes clear that Texans already view themselves as another country. But, then I thought to myself, if Texas were to become its own country, would Chuck Norris be the right man from the job? I know I'm crazy for questioning the ability of Chuck Norris but it is a fair question even in a Chucktatorship. So I decided that we should see where Chuck Norris stands on several hot button issues that he would be facing if he were to ever become the President of Texas.

On Climate Change

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

On Fixing the Recession of '09

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

On Evolution

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.

On Foreign Policy

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

On Streamlining the IRS Tax Code

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

Ask not what you can do for Chuck Norris. Ask what Chuck Norris can do for you.

On "Enemy Combatants"

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

On Stem Cell Research

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

On Reducing America's Dependency on Foreign Oil

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

On Gun Control

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

On the Constitution

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

On Cutting Bureaucratic Red Tape

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

On Stopping Blood Diamond Proliferation

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

On Military Spending

The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

On Sweeping New Financial Ethics Reforms

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

On the Media

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

On the Separation of Chuck and State

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

On the Drug War

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

On Helping the Blind

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

On Wildfires

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

On Extra Terrestrial Life

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

On Parking Violations

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

On the Kennedy Assassination

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

...and lets not forget that while Chuck Norris has many skills, the most well known being his roundhouse kick to the face, he has one oft overlooked talent...

...that's right...Chuck Norris has Nun Chuck skills...

Until next time, let not your face be wiped.

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