I decided to offer you an abridged version of the now defunct web site's take on who attends certain schools in Texas. I added some pictures to the text to add to the satire and edited out a lot of the colleges because, well, who cares about Sul Ross State? If you must view the whole list there is now a facebook group dedicated to these college stereotypes. Below are the highlights.
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS
The Longhorns most famous cheerleader: Matthew McConaughey.
I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I also really hate Chris Simms. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious.
I am a Longhorn.
TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY
Texas A & M: World renowned for providing an 'intimate' classroom setting.
I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's ass. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone can in my battalion. I beat up faggots, fish, and hunt for fun. If I'm not yelling, drinking with my battalion, or beating up faggots for fun, I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to t.u. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas in college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT t.u. if I want.
I am an Aggie.
Sic 'em Bears: Finally hoping for some penetration in the red zone after all those years.
I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolest thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have an Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can coordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have a radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model.
I am a Bear.
I worked my butt off in high school to get in here and am fully paying for my expensive education with scholarships, or else my Mommy and Daddy went here and they're paying for it all and I only got in because they both made some calls. We're the oldest institution of higher learning in the state, yet we've always sucked at football. Its ok, we're just paying our way to be in the Big 12. The only teams that win anything are the baseball team and women's lacrosse but even that’s a little too dyke-ish for the rest of the Baptist General Convention. We tell our parents we go to church on Sunday mornings, but really we all get up, get dressed and go to IHOP. Our veins are pumped of Dr. Pepper and we're always wearing a school shirt that some frat or club or dance or 11 o'clock MWF class made. And mandatory Chapel? What is this, communism? It's ok though I guess; I only came here to find a spouse; however it's harder than I thought with the visitation hours being 1 pm to 6 pm every day, so I just date one hall at a time. I go to Baylor, where a '95 silver Accord is actually considered the nicest car driven by a faculty member and the ghetto-est car driven by a student. I am a Bear.
TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY
Bobby Knight: You'd go crazy, too, if you had to spend that much time in Lubbock.
I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live - so I trek to the strip, which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I don't go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything. Not even class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's ass points to College Station. I fry cow balls. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high. And what the hell is that smell?
I am a Red Raider.
TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY
Can this shirt be ordered in burnt orange?
I am in a fraternity or sorority of course. I drive a big-ass Tahoe (if I'm a guy), a BMW (if I'm less of a guy), or a Land Rover (if I'm a girl). If I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I used to wear my diamonds and heels for football games, but things have changed. Now it's a purple tube top with my Louis Vuitton handbag. School spirit! Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub during the week or Snookies on Sundays. We are having a J. Crew built in the bookstore next year and our send-home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is 4 to 1; where the girls are girls, and so are the guys.
I'm a Frog.
SOUTHERN METHODIST UNIVERSITY
SMU Mustangs: Pony up!
See the listing for Texas Christian University above...change 'Hulen' to 'Mockingbird'.
I'm a Mustang.
We are Baylor times TCU to the third power. I have more money than you could ever dream about. Abercrombie and Fitch? I don't think so, my line is strictly custom made from Gucci. The Galleria? I think I own it, or most of it at least. My idea of a good time is traveling down Mockingbird in my 2003 BMW, Mercedes, Hummer, Range Rover, or whichever of my cars I decide to drive; either I'm on my way to my $700k condo, or to my fraternity or sorority house that has dues higher than your college's tuition. Our football team? Oh it's okay they suck, they are all real cute, and their daddies own Fortune 500 companies. A&M and UT? My family would have died if I had ever considered one of those to educate me. Don't worry, just because Baylor has more net worth than SMU doesn't mean my mom and dad don't have more net worth than Baylor. Where the girls are Barbies and the boys are Kens, there's only room for Greeks and the gorgeous. Have great fear for I am a Mustang.
SOUTHWEST TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY
I tried to get into a real school, but couldn't. I spend most weekends tubing down the river in New Braunfels drunk and/or high and naked, or getting drunk and acting like an idiot in Luckenbach.
I'm a Bobcat.
a few updates...
We are now called Texas State University because we want to pretend we are a big school like UT or A&M by taking out the "southwest" part. Oh yeah, San Marcos sucks unless you are a cheerleader, apparently they are national champions, so you have to party in Austin or San Antonio. We USED to be the #1 party school in the nation, or at least that's what people in Texas think. Who's heard of SWT anywhere but Texas? Why would the Princeton Review even care? We are still the Bobcats, but our mascot is a "Supercat." Whatever.
oh by the way, our Renegade Rugby team will DESTROY yours
I live in a town so Mexican that we cancel classes at 3:00 pm every day to take a siesta. My parents have money. I'm in a fraternity or sorority. Dorks are allowed. I was really smart in high school. I was kind of weird too. Our mascot is the Tiger because everything else in Texas was taken. I watch football games from my dorm balcony. Far West is the place to be. I don't steal because I own everything. I have had my SUV here at school since my freshman year. I have a papasan chair in my room. My tuition is so high that both grandfathers had to go fight for more GI Bills to pay for it. I probably have a scholarship too. I'm not originally from Texas. Who is the governor of Texas right now? I will probably move to the mid-west after graduation. Longhorns are slackers. What's an Aggie? Sea World? We have a Sea World?? I went to Six Flags Fiesta my senior year when I visited the school. Haven't been back since. I've tried drugs but never got hooked. Homosexuality is way okay. I used to be Presbyterian, until the school dropped the covenant, now I don't really go to church. War is not cool, but I guess it doesn't matter, as long as I don't have to go to boot camp.
I'm a Tiger.
ST. MARY'S UNIVERSITY
I go to a university smaller than your high school. Despite what you may have heard about Catholics, we are freaks. I have never met so many pot heads in my life. We wake up high, we go to class high, and we go to sleep high. If we aren't high we are drunk or rolling. I drink more beer than water. My saving grace is the toilet. I blackout for extended periods of time several nights a week. My friends tell me the next day about the striptease I did at the party the night before that I can't remember. I think of cigarettes, coffee, Cheetos and ramen noodles as being the new food groups. We are spoiled brats. Our mascot is the Rattler but we don't really care because we don't even have a football team. Oh yeah, and our school is in San Antonio. I bet you didn't know that.
I am a Rattler.
I live in a town that glorifies Aggies and all I want in life is to be one myself. Instead, I am a Buccaneer at Blinn that claims to be an Aggie at heart. I party at A&M, my friends that I followed to College Station go to A&M, and I attend all the A&M games, but my lack of intelligence and motivation has hindered me in officially joining the cult of A&M. Even though the town we live in is uber-conservative, we all know that everyone here is a closet freak. I have a Confederate Flag on the back of my pickup truck along with a gun rack so as to make sure that I am not labeled "queer." Too bad I will probably just transfer to a community college in my hometown after I have finished the first two years here at Blinn.
I am an Aggie, er, Buccaneer.
In 2005 Rice Football held the record for the third longest losing streak in the history of college ball. The streak was broken when they played my alma mater, Tulane. Can we play the Katrina card on that?
I live in the fourth biggest city in the country, yet I can go weeks without leaving campus. Even when I do leave, it takes 30 minutes to go get gas, and an hour to move a mile on the 45 or the 59. I was either a dork in high school and am still a dork, or I was a dork in high school and now i pretend to be cool. If asked where I'm from, I respond with my college and not my hometown. To relieve stress I run around campus naked twice a month. If I go to the library at midnight, there's a good chance I might not be able to find a free computer, in which case I can always just go to the pub. The pub is heaven on earth. I worship the baseball team, play drinking games in class, and firmly believe that Martel is not a college. I was a pre-med until orgo made me its two semester bitch, now i'm an academ. Beer bike is the biggest event of the year, yet 90% of people pass out before the races even begin. I think it's cool to cuss at the top of my lungs and call it a cheer. Even drunk or stoned, I'm still smarter than you.
I am an Owl.
UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AT SAN ANTONIO
TEX(T)-MEX? No bueno.
I live in a town with Mexicans and Hispanics...and Mexicans. I go to school here because I was either too stupid or too poor to attend a real college. We have parking lots that rival the acerage of Rhode Island, and our designers have yet to discover the amazing structural technology called a parking garage. Our scenery is nonexistent, except for the downtown campus, which has a lovely view of the jail and a police substation. Everyone commutes, and honestly, The University of Phoenix Online has more social interaction among the students than we do.
I am a Roadrunner.
Until next time let not your face be wiped...