Baseball Players Have Funny Names

Baseball has always been amusing to me. I've always thought that the concept of a man with four balls walking was a little odd. Wouldn't so many balls be an impediment to walking? I guess baseball players are just talented like that or maybe the steroids just shrunk their junk. Beyond that it also seems as if baseball not only attracts those with superior athletic juicing skills but also rather entertaining names. Some of these names are just unfortunate birthnames while some were nicknames added to inject some humor into the sport. Without further ado...a few of the most entertaining names in baseball...

The first ones for you, Pat...

Do you think that any of his teams ever had specials on "chili dogs" at their games?

What would Beavis and Butthead say about "Woody" Held playing Shortstop? Huh, huh...

Milton Bradley: Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Best pitcher name ever. Sounds like the baseball counterpart to Colt McCoy. Although the name would lead you to think that the former Tulane star is from Texas, he actually hails from New Jersey. Of course...

With a name like that he seems to have his bases covered when the games over.

Something tells me that these last two are related...

It's probably best that Stubby Clapp stopped at second base, or else there could be...

All it takes is one rusty sword.

504 Whips: Candy Cars Edition

Even if you think that "...inside peanut butter, outside jelly" is a sandwich reference you've surely seen the Chevy with the butterfly doors or a Cadillac on 22's. These two forms of car customization have become so ubiquitous that every ones seen them at least once, even those people who think "...inside fish sticks, outside tarter sauce..." is something from Long John Silvers. While these trends have been seen across the United States, they are most common in the southeast where they are known as "donks" or "whips."

In New Orleans, however, we are known for taking things to a whole other level. Having Lambo doors and rims so big it makes the car look like its two stories isn't enough in the 504. In the past few years *cough* Katrina *cough* a new trend has emerged in the Crescent City...sticker cars. These cars are modified just like any other tight "whip," but go a step further by being wrapped in custom decals that usually promote a certain product. They kind of look like someone took a NASCAR and said "...throw some D's on that bitch." Commonly seen decal motifs on these rides include candy (ironic), soft drinks cold dranks, cereal, chocolate bars (the snack, not da club) and even alcohol. These "sticker cars" are the latest step in the evolution of pimpin' one's ride.

Next time you're in New Orleans its very possible that you might pull up next to a "sticker car" that can be described as candy on candy. The driver will most likely be grippin' the grain with that seat down low. They probably think they're the only fire that can live in the rain as they roll past you in their ride that's so so New Orleans...like 1825 Tulane...

Courtesy of my peeps at 504 Whips, I bring you some rides that can literally be described as New Orleans' sweetest candy cars...

I see this one traveling the streets of N.O. fairly often. Definately not a lemon.

Skittles: Taste the rainbow, no homo.

Note the front bumper. Was Calvin in Revenge of the Nerds? Because he's goin' R. Kelly on something.

Got candy? Quit fruntin'...I got nothin' else...sorry...moving on...

I wonder if this car's owner is named Mike or Ike. That would be sweet, dude, sweet.

One of the few I haven't seen yet. It reminds me of the corny grandpa/grandchild combo in their old TV commercials though.

Only an airhead would park in a no parking zone, you say? That's just how he rolls...err parks.

Until next time, New Orleans, everybody get your roll on...I've always wanted to say that...

Louisiana Music News

The past week has been a busy one for Louisiana musicians. A new single from New Orleans' premier rockers...the "best rapper alive" playing Scrabble against a well known journalist...3rd Ward's Master P hawking candy bars in a new ad campaign...North Shore's Brit Brit not going batshit crazy...yet.

• New Orleans rockers Better Than Ezra debuted their new single, "Absolutely Still," from the upcoming album Paper Empire on B97 last week. The single will be available for download on iTunes starting on St. Patrick's Day while the album is scheduled for a May release. Get ready! To preview the song click here and scroll down a bit.

• Hollygrove's own Lil' Wayne appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week alongside Charlie Gibson. Whats funnier than this odd couple making banter with each other is the skit the two did together. Gibson plays a game of Scrabble against Weezy which is just funny watching an acclaimed journalist play a vocabulary based game against New Orleans' favorite cough syrup addict. Wayne's vocabulary apparently proves triumphant though when he drops the word "CRUNKSWAGGA." Also, watch for the funniest question ever thrown at Charlie Gibson...lets just say I think the journalist learned all kinds of new jargon that evening. Oh, the irony...

• Snickers has a new advertising campaign featuring a certain rapper who reps that Caliope Project 3rd Ward New Orleans. Yup, after all those years Master P is back and in a Snickers commercial. At least he still knows how to make 'em say UHH. I still can't believe some advertising genius thought that Get Some Bling with Master P-Nut was a good idea.

• Britney Spears chose to kick off her world tour at the New Orleans Arena. She wanted to kick it off in her hometown of New Orleans...oh, wait...why did she start it in NOLA again? Isn't she from Kentwood, LA? Oh, well...in the words of Chris Rose from the Times-Picayune she did put the "ho" in Tangipahoa...just kidding...or as her fans say "j/k"...At least she's hot again!

Walker: Texas President?

A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

It seems like an uncanny coincidence that not only is Chuck Norris celebrating his 69th birthday today but it's also International Day of Awesomeness. Actually, I am clearly forgetting Chuck Norris Fact #310

• If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

I would like to take this opportunity send Chuck Norris my regards, although he'll probably just roundhouse kick them back to me. Hope you enjoy your 69th (hopefully with Christie Brinkley) and International Awesomeness Day.

And apparently I am forgetting another important Chuck Norris fact that many of us may not have heard yet.

• Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Although Chuck Norris initially endorsed Republican candidate Mike Huckabee during his run for the GOP's nomination, he apparently saw the mandate that President-elect Barack Obama received from the electorate and allowed him to become the 44th President of the United States. Only fifty days into Obama's administration it seems as if Chuck Norris has seen enough of and lets his views be known in his column entitled I may run for President of Texas on the conservative website World Net Daily. You just can't make up stuff this entertaining. President of Texas? Oh, lawd...here we go...

Is he crazy for being Chuck or is Chuck just crazy? He's been around and still around like them Geico cavemen.

"I may run for president of Texas. That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state. From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders' vision and government."

In addition to the ideological argument that America is slipping away from its core values, Chuck Norris probably was not amused by this picture that surfaced on the internet...

Wait a minute, you're not Trivette.

But seriously, in the article Chuck highlights how he sees the United States going astray with reckless spending and big government ideas and claims that the conditions are ripe for change. He channels the views of some fringe groups in the Lone Star State that claim that Texas can secede due to a highly debated clause placed in the state's constitution when the once sovereign nation was annexed by the U.S.

"I'm not saying that other states won't muster the gumption to stand and secede, but Texas has the history to prove it."

"They lost [the Battle of the Alamo], but would provide the inspiration to win the war. Their fighting spirit rallied the new-found republic, and still does to this day. So when you think all is lost in America, remember the Alamo!"

Chuck Norris doesn't remember the Alamo. The Alamo remembers Chuck Norris.

So, Chuck Norris' solution to the growing size of the United States government and its increasing role in the daily lives of Americans is for Texas to secede? And for Chuck Norris to run for the Presidency of the New Republic of Texas? While I don't doubt Chuck Norris' ability to do anything I do feel it necessary for us to examine the logistics and likelihood of these occurrences in the coming days. For right now, though, I'd like to remind everyone of a rumor I heard once...during Chuck Norris' senior year of high school he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

A-Roid Shows His True Colors & Age

While some would expect Alex Rodriquez to be singing the blues in light of his steroid scandal and hip surgery it appears that the Yankee's star is letting his true colors show...

A-Rod loved the juice...it appears to be of the orange variety.

Well, maybe not his real color...why is A-Rod looking orange these days? Maybe he's just trying to show pride in his alma mater, the University of Miami, as they play their first season in the newly constructed Alex Rodriguez Park. Put some green dye in this dude's hair and he'll look like a roided out oompa loompa, which would probably be entertaining to watch run around the bases. Someone should probably tell A-Rod that this combination of steroids and fake tanning will age him prematurely. It's only a matter of time before he needs hip surgery...oh, damn...

Despite steroid scandal A-Roid is still getting George Steinbrenner money.

It appears that even though A-Roid looks like he contracted jaundice and has hip problems he's surely not crying the blues. In fact he's laughing all the way to the bank...so much so that he wipes his face with $100 bills. BALLIN'

Thoughts on a Hummer: Do I have a Dirty Mind?

Recently while surfing the net I came across a review of the Hummer H2 published by Siliconeer, a general interest magazine targeting the Asian demographic. Maybe I have a dirty mind but somehow the lead-in picture for this automobile review just seems raunchy.

"As a Mom, I am supposed to be focusing on sedans and minivans, right? Okay, that was the argument I tossed around when I was unwilling to admit the vehicle’s size and width intimidated me somewhat. Well, enough is enough. This Mom has finally decided to take this 81-inch-wide vehicle on." - excerpt from the review

Once I got over being amused by this reviews juvenile sexual puns, I began to think about the decline of the SUV and its affects on the American auto industry. In the 90's the SUV was synonymous with the yuppie culture. For over a decade it was almost as American as mom (hopefully not the one that reviewed that Hummer, though) and Apple Pie. They were everywhere...at the supermarket, soccer practice, cul-de-sacs...rarely off-road though...In recent years, however, SUV sales have been going down faster than a Thai hooker at the Bangkok Spa...yeah, I said it.

Due to rising gas prices and an increasingly environmentally conscious public it has become rather politically incorrect to be seen in one of these beasts of an automobile. Detroit was behind the curve and waited a bit too long to jump off the SUV bandwagon and this lack of vision has only added to the Big Three's financial difficulties. But was it too soon to abandon these decadently large vehicles? I ask this because I think that the Big Three could have pursued a different route in addressing the declining sales of large SUV's.

With GM bringing back the Camaro and Chrysler bringing back the Charger and Challenger it appears that they are targeting a demographic yearning to relive their "glory days" when such nameplates were the king of the road. They are targeting people who are nostalgic for their past...

There is nothing worse than misguided nostalgia.

...but as we all know sometimes we do silly things in our youth and it's fair to say that romanticizing the Camaro and such cars counts as misguided nostalgia. Some things should just be left in the past. There is no need for the reincarnation of these cars and its best for everyone that they remain a piece of America's past and that we let those who just won't let go reflect on them in their little communities (read: trailer parks).

If Ford, GM and Chrysler want to use nostalgia as a means of moving their vehicles maybe they should use practical nostalgia as opposed to misguided romanticism. Let us think about what the Big Three are doing by bringing back "muscle cars" like the Challenger. They are offering to the America consumer heavy cars with relatively large bodies to haul around four people (two people in comfort) while sucking down gas quicker than that aforementioned Thai hooker. If the Big Three wants to sell large cars that guzzle gas wouldn't it be more practical for these vehicles to at least be practical (read: offer utility)?

While these auto makers feel marketing heavy, fuel inefficient cars based on nostalgic value is the way to go then perhaps they should think about utility in these trying times. While the SUV's were not economical, they at least did offer utility and practicality while burning copious amounts of fuel. Perhaps the SUV wasn't the problem and the Big Three jumped off the bandwagon too soon.

With a sinking economy and the American public reflecting kindly on the roaring economy of the 90's, maybe now is the time to bring back large SUV's and sell them on their practical applications. I mean, if you're going to drive a big heavy car that burns holes in the ozone layer as it only gets 12 miles per gallon, then why not have a practical vehicle that seats 7 as opposed to having to shoehorn the kids in the backseat of your Camaro. Not to mention driving with a few of them on your lap as most Camaro owners are known to do. The Big Three should remarket their large SUV's and sell them based upon their practicality and use the nostalgic value of the 90's as a driving force behind the campaign.

Maybe an I Love the 90's type of campaign (we are far enough removed that its not that ludicrous) would help place nostalgic memories in the minds of buyers. Heck, even get a celebrity spokesperson for these ads...a celebrity that the public associates with this time and place and the positive economic climate of the time. Jeez, who could they get that people associate with the "good times" of the 90's that would provide just the right nostalgia to evoke fond memories of the SUV's hey-day?

What better spokesperson for joys of the Hummer? We all know Bill likes 'em big (ex. Monica Lewinsky). And imagine if GM introduced a hybrid version of the Hummer. Clinton could tout the pleasure of keeping up with the Joneses while also showing love for Flowers. Now, that is the kind of nostalgia the Big Three should be trying to evoke.

Oh, and for those of you who think I have a dirty mind...

I love lamp.

Jokes on you, suckas!

FUPA + Cameltoe = ???

A certain doctor friend of mine, who is equally amused by the FUPA as I am, claimed she wanted to see lots of "GD FUPA" during Mardi Gras...err Carnival (but I won't get sidetracked). I, unfortunately, missed shitshow time with the Doc during Mardi Gras, but we all know that FUPA never gets old. In fact they usually get bigger with time, which just means there's more of them to love. In the vein of last week's Carnival, I decided that the time has finally come to appoint FUPA royalty. Yes, you heard it here first, you are about to be introduced to the first FUPA King and Fupa Queen...

This year's FUPA King is none other than Notre Dame Football Head Coach, Charlie Weis, whose FUPA frquently spreads across the hashmarks in South Bend during practices. The storied program's leader has had his ups and downs with ND Football but this year he finally led his team to a bowl game victory proving that even with a massive and notoriously famous FUPA he can get ahead. Now can he get head? That's probably another story but I don't want to think about it...

And this year's FUPA Queen goes to a notorious litterbug...yes, that's right, Nadya Suleman. Although the octomom lost her pride and sanity long ago and is soon to lose her parent's house (where her and the litter live) to foreclosure she is sure to be left with a Grade 4 to Grade 5 FUPA after pushing eight of those lil' puppies out of her octopu....uh, you get the picture.

Dis is LAGNIAPPE: In case you've ever wondered what happens when you combine a FUPA with a Camel Toe...

*shudder*

I've Got This Great Idea For A Blanket With, Like, Sleeves, Dude...It's Gonna Be Huge, Bro

If you haven't seen the ads for the Snuggie then I suspect you're a hermit whose been living under a rock for the past six months....actually, no, I suspect you've been stuck on your couch protecting yourself from the cold wintry mix and unable to turn on your TV or answer the phone because of the confines of that obsolete blanket you've been huddled under. Ok, probably not. Everyone has seen the commercials for this blanket with sleeves, even those starving kids in India saw the ads while watching the Academy awards last week. For this, the people of Mumbai give many many thank you (and a goat) to the cast of Slumdog Millionaire.

Mumbai residents love their village's lone television...no Tivo. How else would they have found out that us dumb Americans have a religious like obsession with wrapping ourselves in silly sheets with sleeves...wait...damn...

Ever since I first saw the commercial for the Snuggie I thought it had to be created by some stoned (consenting drug use, not religious persecution) college kid. He was probably too lazy/high to get up for another Dr. Pepper or just didn't want to feel a chill in order to feel more chill. Pause.

Then this morning's New York Times blew my mind. In a sad sign of the times and their journalist integrity the NYT ran a piece on how the Snuggie's advertising campaign led to their success over their competition. I read the story online so at this time I am unsure if it was a cover story or not. Pause.

The story discusses the less successful precursors to the industry leading Snuggie. Sadly, blankets with sleeves are apparently an industry in America and even sadder the inventors of the Slanket and the Freedom Blanket want to be recognized for being leaders in the field...insert joke here.

It turns out that everyone's suspicions about the Snuggie being invented by a pothead college student may not have been to far off. According to the NYT story, Gary Clegg, the inventor of the Slanket was a college student who, in the late 1990's, asked his mom to sew a sleeve onto his sleeping bag since the "...remote wouldn't work through the fabric." You can't make up this kind of stuff, seriously.

Actual photo from the Slanket website. Pass this around, dude.

Initially, the design only contained one sleeve (I wonder how his roommate felt about that), but the young college student later "...added a second sleeve." Apparently this young college student found out that a Snuggie with only one sleeve could only be useful for so long as he soon discovered his problem with premature invention.

The NYT portrayal of Mr. Clegg, now a 29 year old with a "...laid-back, surfer-dude attitude," further confirms our suspicions. He is also described as a professional snowboarder (an oxymoron) who grows a scruffy beard between television appearances. While being generally laid-back, Clegg does seem to be rather bitter about the success of the Snuggie and even, get this, claims it “undermines the integrity” of his Slanket. What's he smokin'? Oh, yeah...

The NYT offers less details on the Freedom Blanket and its origins other than the fact that it actually even predated the Slanket. I suspect this lack information on the true innovator in this niche market is because of a vicious rumor that was spread about its namesake. From what i hear, the Freedom Blanket was initially to be called the French Blanket because of its more intimate feel than a regular blanket. The owner ultimately chose against the name due to his political leanings and named it the Freedom Blanket instead. Apparently, due to their political leanings, the NYT chose not to cover the Freedom Blanket. Sounds like a vast left-wing (or sleeve) conspiracy to me. But, that's just what my sources tell me.

This NYT article on the Snuggie's clever advertising being the catalyst for its success over its previous blankets with sleeves left me with four thoughts running through my head:

• What is sadder than the fact that four million people have bought Snuggies is that other people are now claiming that they had this "brilliant" idea and are fighting for recognition
  
• Next time your pothead friend says he has "a great idea" don't discredit their idea as a silly stoned thought
  
• My theory about video games being invented by some stoned college kid wanting to control the little people in the TV may not be far from the truth
  
• the NYT is a joke

Just think of the hassle and energy you could have saved this morning while reading the NYT if you had a Snuggie (or a Slanket or Freedom Blanket for you indie-kids). While you may feel like a tool for having a Snuggie you'd at least feel better knowing that you wasted less effort to read this useless article/blog.

Michigan: We Have the Upper Hand

Has anyone reading this ever met anyone from Michigan? Raise your hands? Ok, to the guy in the back with the mitten...not funny. We get it already. I have never understood why people from Michigan feel the need to show you where their hometown is by using one of their own hands to represent their state. The first person I ever met from Michigan showed me where she was from by pointing her index finger at the palm of her hand to indicate she was from Lancing. I was slightly weirded out and decided to give her the boot from the jump (I'm from Louisiana...get it?). I see the connection, but it just seems so unnecessary and hokey. Not to mention that it looks RIDICULOUS. What is that about? Who does that? If I were from South Florida I wouldn't whip out my wang and show you my mushroom tip when I was asked where I was from. Actually, I probably would, not gonna lie...

...but I digress...

In light of all of the news stories about the downfall of Detroit's automotive industry, the state has taken a cue from their fine residents and launched a media campaign encourage economic development within the state's boundaries. Taking matters into their own hands, if you will. The Michigan Economic Development Corporation has launched a series of nationally televised commercials touting the state's economic potential and advantages. And, yes, it is called Michigan: We Have the Upper Hand.

"Wherever in the world you compete, Michigan can give you the Upper Hand."

I would like to applaud (yes, pun intended) the state's EDC for their cleverness and for using their state's resources to deal with the hand they were dealt and not handling things like two of the state's biggest employers, Cry-sler and GM...

The leaders of these two once-great companies seem to be relying on government handouts to apply band-aids to their wounds instead of putting their fingers on the real problems facing them. One of these problems is the UAW. For some reason the United Auto Workers are stubborn and won't make the necessary concessions to cut back labor costs for these companies. I guess they'd rather all be out of work than take a slight cut in pay/benefits and keep their jobs. Someone needs to lend these people a helping hand and attempt to make them see the bigger picture. Otherwise, those hands they used to show us that they were from Dearborn will soon be good for only one thing.........wiping their faces.

CRIBS: Presidential Edition

Now, I know what you're thinking. No, I am not doing this just to make the obvious joke based on racial stereotypes. Although, before taking office, President Obama did drive a Chrysler 300 with a Hemi no less. Pause.

File photo. Obama has swag and knows that Lambo doors are played out, bruh.

Barack Obama is not the first President to have swag, though. What many of you may not know is that President Bush had a some swag of his own (43, not 41, obvi.). Why do you think people called him G-Dub? In fact, when he was elected in 2000 he had some rather specific requests for his Presidential Limo. Let's just say he wanted to wanted to "pimp his ride."

What are you doin' today, George? Muddin', honey.

President George W. Bush's request for a Cowboy Cadillac was denied, however, for obvious reasons. I mean, the kind of fuel economy of a truck like that could have possibly pushed Al Gore over the edge. DUBya's vehicle preferences, much like his politics, differ from those of Obama in many ways. Apparently, upon election Obama wanted to add some of his own personal touches to his Presidential Limo.

Rims big make the car look like it's two stories. No Hemi. Pause.

The lifestyle differences between Bush and Obama extend beyond just their differing views of how the Presidential Limo should be customized. Both men even went as far as to propose changes to the iconic Air Force One. You be the judge of whose next-gen Air Force One concept is more ridiculous.

Advisors felt the Don't Mess With Texas "branding" may ellicit a pre-emptive strike. Wait, what?

While the Boss Hog style horns on the front seem rather outlandish, at least Bush's concept only required aesthetic changes to the existing plane. Barack Obama's dream Air Force One would have required a whole change in the way Presidential travel is conducted.

Do what ya do but watch my shoes so I can get to stompin' in my Air Force Ones.

Obviously, Obama's idea of wearing Air Force One's instead of flying in Air Force one was rejected for many reasons. One of them being the potential for many bad Harlem Globetrotters jokes. I am left to wonder if Obama does actually have a pair of these pimped out Nike's. I mean, President George W. Bush did have a pair of handmade in Texas Lucchese alligator cowboy boots with the Presidential Seal on them. Maybe its not such a far-fetched idea after all.

Apparently someone has figured out how to reach across party lines and bridge the divide between Bush and Obama.

Cadillac on 42's...change Bush and Obama can both believe in.

Moral of the story: Even though on the surface the differences between Bush and Obama seem as clear as black and white, both clearly have a swagger like us.

*CRIBS: PE didn't even bother asking about President Obama's proposed change to the White House...obviously this change was vetoed...how do you think he got to keep his Blackberry?...In the words of grey ghost John McCain "...that, my friends, is political bargaining."

My Two Cents

After a few amusing encounters today I had two simple thoughts running through my head.

Have you ever noticed that common sense isn't really all that common?



and den...

My time is money and if it doesn't make sense then it sure don't make dollars so let me get me.

One last thought: I can't help but wonder if we'll even be able to work for peanuts anymore with the way the economy is sinking and all of these peanut plants being closed down due to salmonella scares....I personally think it's a little suspicious that all of these peanut processing plants are being closed ever since the Democrats took over. It almost makes you think there's a vast left wing conspiracy against elephants.

Pac-Man the Prophet

Wayne Will Forever Remain Faithful New Orleans

I am so proud of Lil' Wayne. His performance on the Grammy's last night with Allen Toussaint and the Dirty Dozen Brass Band can only be described one way...

...so so New Orleans....



...like 1825 Tulane...

Also, in case you missed it, Wayne appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman to deliver the Top 10 List last week. The "pause" part is hysterical.

7. I get to hang with the Jonas Brothers. Have you seen those guys? They're adoreable...Pause.

A lot of people think that Weezy simply read the "pause" off of the teleprompter. I personally think the "pause" was a moment of silence of sorts for viewers to insert a "no homo." If I'm right it may actually go down, no homo, as the best "no homo" reference of all time.

Watch the clip to see why Weezy was looking forward to the Grammy Awards and decide for yourself.

Holy FUPA, Batman!

By now most of us are familiar with FUPA's, well, the term at least. Hopefully, most of you aren't actually familiar with a FUPA because it's not a pretty sight. Trust me, I know. I have encountered one or two in my day (and that was just on that one particular girl)...What? I was drunk in college and it seemed like a good idea at the time (oy vey?). At least I pulled back 'til I figured out where I was going...sorry, I had to go there.

For those of you who don't what what a FUPA is:



*The above poster gives the androgynous definition of FUPA, but the term is commonly associated with rather robust females in which case the P stands for pu$$y.

As great of a term as FUPA is, I have often wondered if there was a less colloquial term for this phenomenon that is spreading across college campuses nationwide. Well, thanks to the studious nature of my beautiful friend, Dr. Baker, I have found out that the medical term for FUPA is Panniculus. What is shocking though is that there are apparently different grades of FUPA's:

Grade 1
Panniculus barely covers the hairline and mons pubis but not the genitalia.

Grade 2
Extends to cover the genitalia.

Grade 3
Extends to cover the upper thigh

Grade 4
Extends to cover the mid thigh.

Grade 5
Extends to cover the knees or beyond.

In case any of you nosy bodies are wondering, my FUPA experiences have never gone beyond Grade 2...I once met a girl at a certain Uptown bar with a Grade 5 FUPA and contemplated doing it just to add the story to my bucket list but I chose against it...I mean, it's pretty hard to drink a Grade 5 FUPA away. Also, beyond the terribleness of the experience I didn't want to have to have someone else help pull me out........by my feet.

If FUPA had been as major of an epidemic in the 90's Pheobe definitely would have made this song:



For, those of you wondering why I referenced Batman in the title:



Although it appears that Val Kilmer's FUPA is still a Grade 1, I would advise laying off the cheesy poofs for a bit or else Robin may start shacking at another Batcave.

Here's a Terrible Towel, Wipe Your Face

The Pittsburg Steelers come into this Super Bowl, as they do every game, prepared to do some face wiping.



Their rally flag, the Terrible Towel, is not only useful as a tool to wipe your face, but is also symbolic of their old-school ways. The Steelers, the team of the 1970's, play a smash mouth style of football and the rough fibers of their Terrible Towel are almost symbolic of that. I have not felt a Terrible Towel but Pittsburg is a blue-collar, working class town. I really doubt the Terrible Towel is made of Egyptian cotton. Big Ben would lift his nose at such a towel. I have done some thinking about the Terrible Towel and wondered what it would be like if the Steelers had dominated this decade.



Yes, that's right. If the Steelers had dominated this decade they'd be waving the Terrible Sham-Wow in the air. In this day of big money advertisers, and the over-commercialization of the sport I can't help but think that some budding marketing person would attempt this type of product placement. Thankfully, the Steelers are still about the love of the game, and a style of play from another era.

If the Dallas Cowboys, on the otherhand, had a Terrible Towel, I have no doubt that Jerry Jones would license the product out and create the Terrible Sham-Wow. This is the man who has two reality shows based around his team (an HBO show on training camp, and another about the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders). I'd even go as far as to say I wouldn't put a Terrible Snuggie past Jerry Jones.

...but I digress.

With that said, how do I think this Super Bowl is going to turn out? The key to the Steelers being able to proudly wave their terrible towels is to overcome the non-chilly weather in Tampa and to be able to keep pace with the Cardinals offense. Otherwise the Steelers will find themselves using their Terrible Towels to wipe their collective faces.

A Series of One-Liners

No, this post isn't about my night out last night but it still might blow your mind.

Oprah, Stevie Wonder, Maria Shriver pitch Obama

Am I the only one wondering...err, bad choice of words. Let me rephrase this...Has anyone else ever considered if Stevie Wonder ever thought he'd get to see a black man elected President of the United States?



...too soon?

Obama retakes oath of office after inauguration stumble

It's the remix, baby, ya dig?

Ok, I'm gonna make this one a two-liner...ahem...

Am I the only one who wonders if John McCain would have even been physically able to raise his hand for the Oath?



...too soon? At least he can pass the potatoes, though, right?

J. Crew Website Crashes Due To People Searching For Obama Items

I wonder how many times the word "plaided" was typed into the search bar.

Senator Caroline Kennedy? Y'know, things just didn't work out ...

Did I expect this to happen? You betcha!

Saddam's hometown unveils statue dedicated to man who threw shoe at President Bush

Apparently, the police later decided to give the statue the boot...



Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle

An alternate title for this story was "French Leadership: About As Strong As FDR's Legs"

...too soon?

Another line...you guys know I have a hard time sticking to just one (call me Biden)...I love how the biased media used the term "mauled" as if this poodle were a pitbull or something of the sort...that's almost as bad as the liberal usage of the term "nabbed" I've seen in the Times-Picayune...yeah, you know what I'm talking about...I think it's TERRABULL...



Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

Is this a nerdy Austinite's idea of a street prank? I personally think it's much cooler to have one of those iconic New Orleans water meter covers...ahem...

Once again I'm not satisfied with just one line so here's a picture of what I hear these signs are being reprogrammed to say...



...as Caroline Kennedy would say "y'know, a picture if worth a thousand words, y'know"...and we all know how many lines that is, right? so much for brevity, ha?

Saints QB Brees named FedEx Air Player of the Year

I love Drew Brees, no Romo.

A Buzzer Is Beaten, Coaches Fight, and Sammy, The Headbutting Owl Gets Ejected

So the Rice owl was ejected from the Tulane game because he headbutted a referee? Sounds like that matchup was for the birds...TERRABULL...Sounds like he FOULED out...TERRABULL...but seriously, the Rice Owl got the mascot equivalant of a red card, which brings me to my Superbowl prediction (a stretch I know, but I didn't want this post to be stingy). I absolutely think the Cardinals will beat the Steelers in a close game. Why do I think this, you ask. Nothing to do with the tired discussion of Arizona's offense versus the tough defense of Pittsburg. It all comes down to one word: snow. The Steelers seemingly function off this stuff...they live in it. The Cardinals, however, are used to dealing with the drought and the weather in sunny Tampa will be just enough to tip the scale in their favor. Now, if the game were being played in Miami, well, that's another story, but we won't dabble in that right now.

Damn all this talk of snow got me talking alot. I guess I used up a lot of lines on that one. Isn't that how it always goes? It kind of reminds me of when it snowed in New Orleans in December and thats all we talked about...sorry I'm babbling on...



...RIP: Weezy the Snowman December 11, 2008 - December 11, 2008...

speaking of Weezy...

Lil Wayne Sits With CBS’ Katie Couric For All Access Grammy Special

Something about hearing Lil' Wayne, Katie Couric and grammy in one sentence just sounds wrong and hilarious at the same time...Even if Weezy doesn't win a single award during next week's ceremony something tells me he'll still be walking away with a few Grammy's...everyone knows he will...

This wound up being a lot longer than I thought it'd be...

That's what she said...

But, seriously, I guess things started out with a series of one-liners and just kind of, well, snowballed from there...oy vey!